The Good, the Bad and the Confused
by happysmurf
Summary: AU. What would happen if Lauren had not gone to Congo? If Bo had met Kenzi without killing someone in the process?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or anything else regarding Lost Girl, I just use them for fun...**

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A/N: I excuse in advance for bad grammar, English is not my first language. Let me know what you think if you want... Enjoy

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Lauren looked out the window of her third floor office. It was raining lightly now and quickly getting darker. It was early September and the past few days had been colder than usual for this time of year. She shivered at the thought of going out in the rain even knowing that as soon as she came outside she would love it. She put on her sneakers, grabbed her jacket and her bag and left the office. Luckily the hallway was quiet, it was late, so she managed to escape without meeting anyone she knew. In the street people were hurrying of to wherever they were going. She felt oddly detached; she really didn't have to hurry to be anywhere. She worked at the free medical clinic two or three nights a week, but not tonight. Nobody was ever waiting for her anyway. She decided to walk home instead of taking the bus. It was about half an hour walk and she enjoyed it. She even enjoyed the wind and the light rain. She wound her scarf around her neck and zipped up her jacket. The route to her one bedroom apartment was familiar and she quickly lost herself in the usual train of thought while she walked.

How did she end up in this claustrophobic life? Everything she did, her whole existence for the last 6 years, played out in this little part of the city. Her apartment, her dead end job at TU and her job at the clinic. When she was young, she had imagined working abroad or in exciting research laboratories finding the cure for cancer or dementia. Her grades had been good, and through med school she found out that she had a real talent for what she did. Everybody had high hopes for her including herself… Suckers… And then she met Nadia. Beautiful sexy Nadia. Who said that she loved her. She even got a job at the Wyndham, Goofy and Priss Labs. It was almost too good to be true. And it was, of course. Nadia was gone now. And so was the research position. And her future.

She was almost home now, passing Joes bar. She had only been there a few times, with Liv… Every time she passed the bar, she debated with herself whether to go in for a beer instead of going home to the empty apartment; but she always decided against it. She could do without being reminded of Liv.

She stopped at the whole foods market to buy some readymade lasagna from the food court. She didn't really care what it was. As long as it went with red wine…

She put dinner in the micro, took out her phone and opened a bottle of red wine while waiting, and fell back in her thoughts. Her life was completely meaningless. She wondered if there was a point where she could have changed the outcome of the events that led her to her current situation? Was there a point in time where she first went wrong? When she thought back at what happened, it seemed to her that the only thing she had any influence on, was how she reacted. Her reaction at the time had been to just give up… not to fight back… not defend herself. What would have happened if she had? Would she have been here now? Looking back at it now, she was almost certain that she could have succeeded in winning the grant if she had fought for it. But she hadn't… There was no one to blame but herself. No matter how hard she tried now, she didn't seem to be able to break out and change her life now. And she had tried so many times. They were right the bullies from her childhood school. She was just a joke, a fucking joke, a waste of space. All the things she thought she was over… the feelings she had forgotten during college and med-school came back full force when Nadia… when things went wrong and the rumors started.

The ding from the oven brought her back to the present. She sighed in frustration and anger at herself, almost crying. She did not want to be this pathetic person anymore.

She finished her glass of wine. Screw this… She couldn't stand being alone right now… She would put on makeup, change her clothes and go to Joes… she thought about Liv all the time anyway…

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Bo leaned her elbows on the bar, letting her eyes scan the room from her position at the end of the bar; she was happy that there weren't many people here yet, it was still early. She liked coming here after work, winding down and relaxing before heading home. She really liked the atmosphere, it was quiet, dark and cozy, with booths that offered privacy and a long bar if you wanted to talk to other patrons. There was usually some blues or jazz playing in the background. People were having quiet conversations, reading the paper or celebrating but there was never rowdiness. This was as close as she had ever gotten to having a regular bar and by now she knew the bartender was called Joe. And most importantly, the patrons were the kind of people that minded their own business; twelve years on the run had taught her to appreciate that.

She took a sip of her beer. Little by little, people trickled in from the rain outside as the evening progressed.

Today had been a good day. She had had very satisfying sessions with two of her regular clients; now she was chilling and later she would go home to Kenzi. She felt good about herself and the world for once. She put the notes from the last lecture she attended, on the bar. She would have a beer and prepare for tomorrow.

"Can I have a beer please? Do you have Indian pale ale on tap? And a whisky please, neat"

Bo looked up. Three chairs down the bar a beautiful blonde was taking of her leather jacket, hanging it over the back of her chair. Her hair was windblown and damp. She looked familiar but Bo couldn't place her; for a moment she thought she might have been a client or a feed. She looked up briefly and met Bo's eyes without recognition. Bo smiled but the woman quickly turned away again, her expression sad and aloof.

"Thanks" The woman got her drinks; she took a sip of the whisky. She took her mobile out of her bag and placed it face down next to her beer.

Bo tried to look at the woman discreetly. She looked about Bo's age, maybe a little older, she was dressed in dress pants and a dark blue button down shirt, her long blonde hair was tousled from wind and rain and she was absolutely beautiful. Big brown eyes and soft pink lips, very kissable. She checked her phone every minute, an expression of near defeat on her face every time.

Bo knew she had seen the woman before and she couldn't understand why she couldn't place her.

Bo turned back to her beer, she had to stop staring at the woman. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and focused on her notes, occasionally taking a sip of beer.

Suddenly she knew. The woman was Professor Lewis from her physiology course. Bo looked at her again. Tonight she looked so different, her face was open and vulnerable in contrast to how Bo usually saw her; she was almost diametrically opposite to how she normally appeared at lectures. She would have her hair tied back and she would have an attitude of no-nonsense professionalism about her, her mouth hard; in contrast to how soft her face looked now. Bo debated whether she should approach the woman or leave her alone. It didn't seem as if she had recognized Bo but that was hardly surprising. There were hundreds of students at the lectures. She made up her mind, the woman looked so sad Bo had to talk to her. She put her notes back in her bag.

The woman finished her beer and looked up to catch the eyes of the bartender.

"Can I get you another?" Bo asked. The woman looked at her for a moment, a thin smile slowly twisting her lips. "Okay, why not … thanks"

Bo motioned to the Joe for refills "Could we get the same please?"

Lauren looked at the woman. She was dressed all in black, at first glance it looked casual, but to the trained eye, it was obviously expensive. She let her eyes linger on the woman. She was the very picture of sexy in Lauren's mind; her dark brown eyes, red lips, long wavy brown hair hanging loose around her shoulders, black shiny tank top shoving of cleavage to die for. For a moment Lauren wondered how her mouth would taste. She'd always had a thing for sexy brunettes and this one was off the chart.

"Isn't he calling you?" Bo smiled at her.

"No… No, _she_ isn't" Lauren said quietly.

Joe placed their drinks on the bar between them and Bo took the opportunity to move to sit next to the woman.

"Do you want her to?" She didn't want to pry but she was curious about the woman. Bo recognized the instant sexual attraction she was feeling but it was more than that; something about her was very intriguing.

"I don't know actually" She let out a short laugh, it sounded like a sob.

"Why don't you call her then?"

"I did… Too many times"

"Want to talk about it?"

"No, not really" She sighed, swirling her drink before she took a sip. This was the first time in years anyone had asked her about anything personal, and her voice was so kind Lauren almost began to cry. But she didn't want to cry… She wanted to forget Liv and talk with this gorgeous woman.

"Okay" Bo looked at her; she seemed to be on the verge of tears.

"Oh god I'm sorry… it's… complicated" She smiled in spite of herself.

"It usually is, isn't it" Bo smiled too. "I'm Bo" She reached out her hand, just an excuse to touch the woman.

"Lauren" Her hand was warm and strong, and the touch lingered a lot longer than necessary.

"So you're drowning your sorrows tonight?"

"I guess I am" She wiggled her beer a little.

"Can I join you?"

"Do you have sorrows to drown?"

"Don't we all?"

"Well, to drowning sorrows then. Cheers" she raised her glass and downed her shot, closing her eyes at the burning sensation.

"So Lauren, come here often? I haven't seen you here before" She smiled at her own cheesy line.

"No, but I might start to." She smirked, "Do you?"

"Yeah… I like to come here after work, relax… meet nice people" Bo smiled again at her own obvious flirting, and didn't look away.

"So… what do you do?" Lauren held her eyes, they were warm, almost… she couldn't look away, she wanted to drown in those eyes.

"I'm…. well you could say I'm a consultant" She tried to answer without saying to much. "And you?"

"I'm a teacher" Bo knew that, but even though she didn't want to lie to her she didn't want Lauren to know she knew her.

"Do you like it?"

"It's okay" She smiled.

There were a few moments of awkward silence. This was unusual for Bo. She wasn't usually tongue tied around beautiful women.

Lauren felt nervous. This woman was so beautiful. If she wasn't careful her mouth might say things her brain didn't want her to. She had been known to do that.

Lauren picked up her phone again and looked at it for a moment before she turned it off and put it in her bag.

"Actually she's a student… not my student, and old enough by far, but still I'm not supposed to be… I'm a lecturer at TU by the way… so you don't think… well she's old enough." She played with a peanut shell from the bowl standing between them at the bar.

In spite of her nervousness, she found it easy to confide in Bo, even though she didn't want to. Maybe it was because she was a complete stranger or maybe it was because her eyes were so warm and friendly. Lauren had to fight the urge to reach out and run her fingers over her cheek; instead she tugged a strand of hair behind her ear.

"It's ridiculous… stupid… to be so… I mean I don't love her but… I guess it's the getting dumped part of it that hurt. We weren't even together; it was just… physical and that was quite… amazing actually." She blushed.

"So she dumped you…? I'd say she's a fool."

Lauren laughed a little "You are sweet, but no, she's probably more rational than me."

"Well I _do_ think she's a fool for dumping you." Bo smiled.

She could tell Lauren was attracted to her; her energy was steadily getting brighter. The best thing to do now was go home before this got out of control. What would Lauren think when she found out Bo was her student? She could never have something with Lauren. She didn't want to screw anything up for her or for Lauren. But she could feel her hunger stirring. She tried to focus on something else. Her beer was almost empty.

"One more?" That was probably not the right thing to focus on…

"Sure but it's my turn" She really shouldn't but…

"Okay, thanks"

"I really should not be telling you all this…" Lauren could feel the alcohol affecting her brain, she was relieved at the soft feeling taking some of her tension and anxiety away. "Sorry… today has not been the best of days…"

"Okay… I know that feeling." In that moment, she would do anything to make Lauren smile. "I'll tell you something about me if you want?" Lauren only nodded.

"Okay…. Some might say I have questionable morals."

"Why?"

"I sometimes work as an escort."

"Oh….." She had had too much to drink to mask her reaction. "So… you… eh" She couldn't quite bring herself to say it but her face and energy told Bo what she meant.

"It happens, but mostly it's just social functions and company…" That was a lie; for some reason Bo couldn't tell her the truth right now.

Lauren looked at her intently; Bo would make an excellent escort. She could easily imagine people wanting to pay to be with her; she could easily see herself do it if she was rich and confident…

"How long have you been an escort?

"For over a year now"

"Do you like it?" It was a lame question but Lauren couldn't think of anything else to say… She wanted to ask something much more detailed and thoughtful, but she wasn't able to phrase it in her tipsy state.

"I do, yeah… it suits me… flexible hours… It pays really well too." She still smiled though it felt weird talking about this. It wasn't really something you could talk to strangers about. She realized she'd only ever talked to Kenzi about it.

Laurens fuzzy mind was busy picturing Bo at work… naked, moaning… She could feel an intense heat spreading over her face and realized she was blushing.

"My god, you're so beautiful" The words just came out "Oh god did I just say that?"

"You did. And thank you" Bo smiled. "So are you."

Now there was no hope of stopping the blush that crept up her face. "I think we need another drink"

"Yeah"

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"Why did she dump you?" Lauren looked like a deer caught in headlight for a moment and looked at her blankly; Bo regretted the question instantly.

"Sorry that's too personal to ask"

"No, that's ok… I… there were probably several reasons… mostly because she has a boyfriend…"

"Oh…"

"Yeah… I gave her something she didn't want to ask from him I think… he found out about us… so… and I wanted something more… though it was… very good as long as it lasted… even if it was wrong" She took a long swig of her beer. "Things that are wrong are often _very_ appealing…"

"They certainly are…" Bo could only agree.

"But it really was for the best that we ended things… it still hurts though… the funny thing is _I_ planned to end things too, she just beat me to it… It's always easier to be the one doing the dumping I think…"

"I don't have much experience with that."

"Oh…? Never been dumped?"

"No… not really…" This was getting way to personal, if she was ever to meet Lauren again she had to stop this, but her more than tipsy mouth didn't really seem to get the message. "I'm not good with relationships…" That was the truth just not the whole truth. For years, sex with Bo had been deadly… relationship hadn't really been a priority.

That didn't surprise Lauren. She couldn't imagine anyone being in a relationship with Bo and be okay with her being an escort. But before that…? If she'd only been escort for a year.

"Me neither… I tried that… you know like seriously… years ago… but she dumped me to… cheated on me and dumped me" She closed her eyes and covered her mouth with her hand. "I'm sorry… I really shouldn't tell you all of this…"

"It's okay… I asked, remember?" Bo surprised herself by reaching out to cover Lauren's other hand on the bar. For a moment Lauren looked as surprised as Bo felt, and she removed her hand far sooner than she wanted.

Lauren immediately missed the contact. "I don't want to think about her now…" After a brief pause, she looked at Bo "What about you...? No boyfriend…? Girlfriend…?" She actually wanted to know if Bo was gay but she couldn't get herself to just ask.

"No, no not at the moment… I… It's complicated at the moment… I mean with my… line of work" She blushed at the lie, it had nothing to do with her job, but it was an easy, convenient and believably lie and the truth was far worse.

"Yeah, I can see that…" Another sip of beer. "Where do you come from… You have a slight… american sound to your voice?"

"Oh you could tell…? I try not to sound too much like a farm girl… I'm from Iowa…but that's long ago." The Iowa part was a lie to.

"Oh you don't sound farm… girly at all, it is hardly noticeable, there was just something aboat some of your words…" She smiled at Bo; it was a lame joke and Bo didn't seem to get it. "So you're far away from home?"

"It's doesn't feel like home anymore… But maybe it would if I went back, I don't know. I have no plans to do that. It was a very small town, with small town people…I really didn't fit in. It was a relief to get away… for me and for the town too, I'm sure."

"Yeah, I know what you mean…" It was getting harder and harder to formulate what she wanted to say. "I never really fitted in when I was growing up either…" and Bo's beautiful eyes were very distracting.

"You have the most beautiful eyes…" That was not what she wanted to say… "Sorry…" She blushed again and closed her eyes.

"Thank you…" The hand was there again. Just a warm hand on a hand shouldn't feel like that but it did and she didn't want it to end.

"I think maybe I better get home…" She opened her eyes trying to focus on Bo's face instead of her breasts.

"Yeah, I think we've had enough, don't you? I think I should get home too. Share a cab?" Bo was more drunk than she liked. But not as drunk as Lauren.

"No, no … no I live right round the corner, I think…" Lauren tried hard to enunciate clearly "...I'll walk…" She got of the chair and stood for a moment. Bo took her jacket of the back of the chair and held it up for her.

"Let me help you" She was close now, so close she could smell the mix of sweat and arousal that was almost drowned out by a discreet scent of perfume; It made Bo dizzy with hunger.

"Let's go then…"


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or anything else regarding Lost Girl, I just use them for fun...**

A/N I realized maybe I should explain a little... I started writing this after watching 2.16 where Bo was undercover as a teacher. Somehow, it was easier to see Lauren as a teacher. I've used some of the information about Lauren from season 3 and ignored some of it... And I know very little of the Canadian educational system and medical system so I ask you to please forgive me for any mistakes about that. Thank you.

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Lauren closed the door behind her and leaned against it. She felt dizzy. Dropping her bag and her jacket on the floor, she went into the kitchen and took a bottle of vitamin water from the fridge. The lasagna was still on the kitchen table. She knew she probably should eat something too, but she didn't feel like it. She flopped down on the couch. She was happy that she went out tonight, she wanted to be distracted and she was. This was certainly better than drinking alone... and meeting Bo… that was just... She smiled at the thought of Bo's beautiful eyes.

The bed was spinning, but not in a bad way. Every time she closed her eyes, she would see Bo's face; smiling, touching her hair, licking her lips… she couldn't remember the last time she had met anyone so attractive...

The thought of Bo being an escort bothered her more than she cared to admit and she suddenly realized, that however unusual it was for her, and irrational, as she had only just met Bo, she was a little jealous… She had wanted to touch Bo so much... Was she at the bar because she was working? Was she…? Escort was just a euphemism for prostitute wasn't it? Was she at the bar picking up customers? Lauren had only been at Joe's a few times before with Liv, and it didn't seem like that kind of bar to her… But what did she know about that anyway. Maybe she had been too naïve about Bo. Had she been trying to pick her up? And she had just been to naïve to notice? What would she have done if she had noticed…? A year ago or so, she would have gone for it. Was Bo even into women? And would that matter to an escort? She would have done it… no doubt about it. If Bo offered herself to her, she would have sex with her. As she slipped into sleep, thoughts of Bo merged with memories of Liv and Lauren's intoxicated brain gave her sweet dreams of Bo writhing under her, taking her up against the wall, moaning in her ear, sweating and coming.

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When Bo got home Kenzi was sitting in front of the TV killing robot hookers.

"Hey Bobo, there's left over pizza in the box if you're hungry?"

"Hey Kenz" Bo dropped her jacket over the back of a chair and dropped down on the couch behind Kenzi. She took a slice of pizza. She didn't' really want pizza right now…

"You know maybe we should try cooking someday...? Just a thought…"

"Dream on, baby… If you want to cook you're welcome but you really don't want _me_ to cook, seriously." Kenzi had had a job as a caterer once but it was short and not sweet. She hadn't told Bo because she knew she'd ask her to cook if she knew.

"Have you been out?" Kenzi asked. Bo knew what she meant.

"I went to Joes after work," Bo said slowly, she seemed to be distracted. Kenzi turned around and looked at her, pausing the game.

"So…? Was it god? Meet someone yummy?" Usually Bo was more forthcoming with details.

"Yeah, but I didn't feed though. Prof Lewis was there, from uni."

"Like in your teacher Professor Lewis?" Bo nodded.

"And he's yummy?" Bo kept nodding.

"She… She is. I almost didn't recognize her; she's very different from how she is at lectures. She was very sad, just got dumped. She didn't recognize me though… But she's _so_ hot!"

"But you talked to her...? Come on Bo, dish" Kenzi slapped her thigh.

"Ok, ok… geez relax Kenz… I bought her drinks, we talked, she bought me drinks, we talked some more, got more drinks, she got drunk and we went our separate ways… Well, first I followed her to see if she got home alright."

"But you didn't…?"

"No…"

"Ok… didn't you fancy her?"

"Since when wouldn't I fancy a beautiful blonde…? She is unbelievably hot and I don't think she even knows it… but I just… I really wanted to… she was so cute when she got drunk… but I couldn't."

"Oh my god Bobo… Are you sure you're feeling ok? You're not sick are you?" Kenzi said in mock horror, hands in the air, mouth wide open.

"I'm just fine thanks, but I can't have sex with her, she's my teacher… If I get involved with her besides the student-teacher thing, it could screw things up for her. And for me too, if she finds out… about me… you know…"

They looked at each other for a moment. Kenzi knew just how scared of being exposed Bo was. She reached out to rub her thigh. "Plenty of other fish in the sea, Baby… and teachers… Kindergarten teachers, high school teachers, night school teachers… yoga teachers… I'm sure we have clients who are teachers, you want me to find them for you…?"

"No!" She glared at Kenzi. "What did _you_ do tonight?"

"I worked till ten, went home and killed some hookers... Welcome to the awesome, exciting life of Kenzi..."

"What about the sweet little boy you talked about?" Bo couldn't resist to turn the tables a little. Kenzi had a thing for sweet boys and she met one with a guitar a few weeks ago. One she knew from home... But she hadn't had the courage to do anything about it yet.

"Don't start Bo, it's not easy."

"I know, right?" Bo threw the pizza crust at her. "I'm going to bed."

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The events of the evening kept running through her mind as she lay in bed. Lauren was very cute when she was drunk. She used her hands a lot when she talked, she kept reaching against Bo and then caught herself, she bit her lip and looked at Bo's lips when Bo talked, and sometimes she talked to the girls instead of her face, but to be fair… _a lot_ of people did that. As the evening had progressed, Bo had gotten more and more hungry for her. But she had talked about an affair… with a student, not even _her_ student… which was ethically wrong… An affair that ended and now Lauren was feeling bad. She wouldn't want to repeat such a mistake in any near future… Bo wondered if she would have even talked to Bo if she had known she was one of her own students. This situation had potential to become seriously fucked up.

Maybe she wouldn't remember some of the things that happened tonight… how much she had told Bo … or maybe she would. There was no doubt Lauren had said a lot more than she would feel comfortable with normally. And why the hell had she told Lauren about being an escort? Not that she was the first person to pay her way through university that way, but she didn't want it to be common knowledge around campus. But Lauren didn't seem to be the type to gossip. And what _she_ had told Bo probably wasn't something she wanted everybody to know. Bo generally didn't want anybody at TU to know too much about her. The less people knew the better.

Only Kenzi knew the truth about her. Since they met things had gone better for Bo, better than she had ever dared hope for. They met when Bo had just moved to the city. After years on the run, she hoped Toronto could be the place she stayed in. She had moved through the US for years, never staying in one place long enough to be caught, but sometimes long enough to know that the police were looking for her... Sometimes though, there seemed to be remarkably little attention about the bodies she left behind... Maybe it was because she tried whenever it was possible, to feed on people nobody would miss or on people that preyed on others... It was the best she could do... But who was she to decide who should live and who should die...

Once again the guilt simmered in her chest. At least she knew she had sometimes been able to help people... Like Kenzi. The girl was tiny, she had no chance against the guy pressing her against the wall behind the club that night. She knew how to defend herself and he had quite a few serious bruises and cuts, but in the end, he won... until Bo heard them.

"_Hey creep... Why don't you pick on someone your own size?" She hit him on the shoulder to get his attention._

"_What the..." He turned his head just to in time for her fist to hit him in the nose. Dazed he backed away from the girl. Bo grabbed him by the collar and kissed him briefly, before she sucked him... In the meantime, the girl was leaning against the wall, trying to catch her breath. Slowly the guy slumped against Bo. _

"_What did you DO to him? Holy crapballs" The cry distracted Bo. She turned towards the girl who fell back and tripped. On the ground she franticly tried to crawl backwards..." Don't hurt me please..." She was crying, probably expecting that her bad night was about to get worse._

_Bo dropped the guy. "Ohhhh come on! I'm not gonna hurt you... Can you get home on your own? Are you hurt?" She kneeled at the girl, reaching out for her hand. "Do you want me to take you to a hospital?" Bo just wanted to move on... If the guy was dead she needed to get away from this part of town. She held the girls hand tight though she was struggling to get free. "Calm down, please, I'm not gonna hurt you" She sent a calming pulse of energy into the girl. _

_The expression on her face changed immediately "Ohhh, you are pretty" Her eyes drifted closed. Maybe it was too much. _

_Bo slapped her cheek gently. "Hey, hey, wake up. There was no reaction. Shit! She couldn't leave her here. Another creep would come by in seconds. She propped the girl against the wall and checked the guy. He was unconscious but not dead. Thank god, she wouldn't have to leave yet._

_She draped the girl over her shoulder and carried her to her car._

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"_Fuck...!" The exclamation woke Bo up. The girl on her sofa sat up straight, and starred wildly around her. When she noticed Bo she jumped up from the couch. "Ohhh..." She put her hand over her eyes. "I think I got roofied again..."_

"_Sit down, I'll get you some water" As Bo came nearer, the girl backed away quickly. _

"_What did you do to me?" Clearly she was scared._

"_I didn't do anything... I would have taken you home but I couldn't decide which address to take you to..." She held up the stack of wallets and ID's from the girls pockets. "Do you remember last night?"_

"_Ohhh..." She sat down, slowly things were coming back. "What happened to the guy? Is he dead?"_

"_No."_

"_You helped me? Why?"_

"_Why not? You needed help. Of course I would help you" She reached her hand out to the girl and smiled "I'm Bo"_

"_I'm __ Ninotchka Smirvoff Alexandrovich__" Bo cocked an eyebrow at her "... but I guess you can call me Kenzi" _

And that was it. Bo moved into Kenzi's place that was marginally better, and had more walls than Bo's. They had been friends ever since. Luckily Kenzi had been open-minded and okay with Bo's... nature? Or what it was... when Bo explained it. But how would Lauren take it? She couldn't even imagine telling her... She couldn't risk it. She didn't want to leave Toronto, she felt at home here, with Kenzi...

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Students were quickly filling up the auditorium. There was noise and general mayhem. Bo sat down at the end of a row of seats at the back of the room. This was entry-level physiology so luckily there were hundreds of students in the large auditorium. Lauren probably wouldn't notice her… she hoped. Lauren was at the large whiteboards writing down information for the lecture. She wrote fast with short controlled movements, and looked very professional, dressed in grey dress pants and a black silk shirt. She had her hair up and very little, if any, makeup on. It was now obvious to Bo why she had trouble recognizing her the night before. She looked very different, but first and foremost it was her attitude. It was so different she could have been a different person. There was no trace of the sweet, vulnerable, sad woman Bo had met at the bar. This Lauren was still sexy though. Her pants fit perfectly, accentuating the curve of her buttocks and the shirt was showing her beautiful collar bones and just a hint of cleavage. With her hair up, you could see her long slender neck. Bo could easily picture this Lauren with a long ruler… disciplining her… bending her over the desk… She shook her head, trying to concentrate on the lecture instead of her fantasies.

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Lauren was slightly drunk. That wasn't unusual, but she usually enjoyed it more. She was too restless tonight… So many times she had looked at the numbers in her phone, looking for one that might help her… but no one seemed right tonight. Maybe she really was past all that? Casual sex was _not_ what she wanted anymore, it just left her disappointed and frustrated… even when she really wanted to sleep with someone.

One of her first casual sexual acquaintances had introduced her to a new world of sex she had never considered before, and she had immersed herself into it with abandon. In the sex clubs they had frequented, she could escape from the misery that her reality had become after the whole… Nadia thing. And she had learned a lot about what turned her on and what she was capable off; things she had never considered before. She had often wondered if she would ever have discovered sex like that, if Nadia hadn't… left her… It was the only positive thing that came of that… Later she had stopped going to the clubs; instead calling on all the contacts she had made there, when the need arose… and it frequently did. But it had only worked for so long… After a few years she had felt empty, eventually her partners had left her cold.

Until she met Liv... Liv had pursued her with great enthusiasm, until at last she had given in. And fabulous sex ensued. Their… affair… if you could call it that… was totally inappropriate and wrong, and unlike with her other partners, there had been feelings involved. Even if she didn't want to admit it at the time. She didn't love Liv but she cared for her and that made all the difference.

But now it had been almost three months since she had last been with Liv… She went over to the kitchen and opened another bottle of wine. There was a mess of open books and notes on top of scientific journals on the living room table. She really should read more to keep up with the news and developments in her field… if she ever wanted to go back to research… Somehow it didn't seem to matter anymore. She really couldn't see the point… It took almost all of her energy to keep up with grading tests and preparing for lectures. Sometimes she remembered how enthusiastic she had been before… She could spend the entire weekend reading and working without realizing that Nadia had plans for them… She hadn't been a good girlfriend by any standard. She didn't know why Nadia had done what she did, but through the years she realized that she was by no means without blame. When they met, she was riding a wave of joy and success, things were going great, and gradually she let herself believe it was true, that she deserved to have good things happening to her. Her relationship with Nadia fit right in with everything else… and the sex was great… amazing… or so she thought at the time… no, it _was_ great _period_. Just because she found something that was great in a different way didn't subtract anything from what she and Nadia had.

She knew who she wanted now… unfortunately she didn't have Bo's number… Not that she would have the courage to call her anyway. She was _really_ attracted to Bo, but more than that she wanted to know her and that was exactly why she didn't have the nerve to go after her if she could. She sat down on the couch again, the wine forgotten. There would be no help for her tonight.

"""""""""

Lauren was sweating, something was holding her legs in the dark and she kicked to get free. The panic grew and she could feel small creepy things from the jungle move closer and closer. Something was coming for her... She woke up with a cry, gasping and trying to catch her breath. That fucking dream again... She didn't know what had happened to Nadia but her imagination still gave her plenty of scenarios. She got up and went for a glass of water and sat down on the couch, there was no point in trying to go back to sleep now.

No one knew for sure what had happened to Nadia... For a long time Lauren hoped and waited, but eventually she had to accept that she was gone...

After a couple of years at the research lab, Lauren applied for a research grant. The company wanted to send an expedition to the jungle of Congo to look for plants with potential to be used in medicine. Of the several people applying for the grant, Lauren seemed to be one of the best candidates. But she didn't get the grant.

It turned out that Nadia, beautiful Nadia had had an affair with one of the other researchers applying for the grant. For some reason, Lauren didn't' like to speculate about, Nadia had given him information about her research that allowed him to raise some doubt about it h in his application. She didn't know how he had done it and she only knew because Nadia had let something slip in their final argument before she left. It was also the last time she ever saw her.

At the same time rumors about Lauren began to circulate, apparently she had fudged some of her results on the most crucial parts of her research, and supposedly she slept her way into some of the programs she had attended. As she had never been directly accused of anything, she couldn't be cleared. None of it was true but it still clung to her name, even now, years later. Lauren knew that the academic world was rough and that this could have happened to anyone, but it had happened to _her_, just as she had allowed herself to accept that good things could actually happen to her. She was mistaken, obviously.

Nadia had traveled with her lover and the expedition to the deep jungles of the Congo... It was a great opportunity for Nadia... She remembered how excited they had both been about it when Lauren decided to apply. It didn't quite turn out as they had planned...

The last Lauren had heard about Nadia and the expedition was that they disappeared in the jungle. Apparently, riots had broken out in the wake of some severe epidemic. The disease had affected neither Nadia nor the rest of the members, but maybe they had been too close to the riots.

Lauren felt terrible about what had happened. She didn't' doubt that she could have won the grant if she had fought back, but a part of her was glad she didn't, in the light of what happened. Only one member of the entire team was found alive, and his story wasn't very coherent... so nobody really knew… and nobody seemed interested in finding out... It was strange...

The area was deep in the jungle, the villages were small and had very little contact with the outside world, there was a lot of superstition and the expedition had walked right in to the middle of it with very little clue. They had attempted to treat the sick and had unwittingly attracted the wrath of the people living there.

It was terrible not knowing what had happened... she imagined the most horrible scenarios in her head, and in her nightmares she could feel the terror Nadia must have felt.

She felt so guilty... They had been together for six years and Nadia left and died like that... she should have been there with Nadia... If she hadn't been such a horrible girlfriend she wouldn't have left her. Maybe things would have turned out different... She groaned... she had thought about this a million times... It was half past four now... If she was lucky she could get a couple of hours sleep before she had to get up again.

""

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""

As usual, nobody respected her closed door at the office. The third time someone barged in during her office hours, she couldn't hide her irritation. "WHAT?"

The poor student in her office looked terrified.

"Ohhh... I just... ehh" It was that creep Taylor again. He wasn't only a creep but also a wimp, every time she tried to confront him he had all kinds of excuses and good explanations for his creepiness. But of course he couldn't just say "yes, I'm a creep, trying to provoke you now that I've realized I will never get to fuck you..."

"What, Taylor? I'll come see you in an hour. _And shut the fucking door_!" Ohh... get a grip Lauren. This was not like her to be so... She _had_ to calm down and try to stay on good terms with her colleagues, if that was even possible anymore.

She turned towards the now very pale girl again, and smiled "Sorry about that. What did you want to ask me?"

""""""""

The day had been even more grueling than usual. Some of her colleagues, especially Taylor, were so... infuriating... Like they had a sixth sense telling them when she would be easy to rile up... her patience was wearing thin. She knew things could not continue like this... but she had no clue what to do about it. Thank god she had something to do tonight... Maybe Kelly would be at the clinic too. She grabbed her keys from the bowl and left for the clinic.


	3. Chapter 3

Two more hours. Lauren stretched and leaned back in her chair. Although working at the clinic was very satisfying it wasn't exactly exciting.

One last patient then she was done for tonight. She looked at the file. One more STD check up, what a surprise.

There was only one person in the waiting area. She was reading what looked like a big textbook, her dark hair falling in her face obscuring it to Lauren. For a moment she paused, admiring the woman, even sitting she looked stunning. She was dressed in jeans, short leather boots and a soft black leather jacket

"Miss Dennis?" The woman got up and turned towards her, smiling.

"Oh, hello" Her smile faltered for a second and there was a moment of silence. She felt herself blush.

"Hi… Dr? Lewis? Lauren"

"This way please" She turned and went into the exam room. She could hear the woman behind her. When Bo was in the room, Lauren closed the door.

"So, Miss Dennis…"

"Please, call me Bo"

"Bo… You're her for a STI checkup?" Lauren tried to keep her face neutral.

"Yes, I'm… eh" She didn't know how to continue. If she'd known that Lauren worked here, she would have chosen another clinic. And why did she work at TU if she was a doctor? But this shouldn't be awkward; people had checkups all the time, and Lauren was a doctor, it was only because of the other night. And because Lauren was so hot. And Bo could see Lauren was hot for her.

Bo wasn't usually flustered but tonight she was. This was the second time Lauren had her flustered. The easy semi drunken flirting from their first meeting had vanished.

"Would you rather have someone else do it?" This was like her worst nightmare and her favorite wet dream all packed into one. Lauren felt extremely awkward, but didn't know if Bo did. Why didn't she have a general physician? Well it wasn't really her business.

"No, no I…" Bo felt like an idiot. The answer was just a reflex, she didn't take time to think about it, of course it would be less awkward to have someone else do it.

"Ok. Well then" Lauren tried to be professional. "You can undress over there. Just take of your pants and underwear. She motioned towards a bench and a shelf with single use gowns, partially hiding behind a narrow folding screen at one corner of the room.

She focused on preparing for the exam, unwrapping sterile equipment and getting swabs ready while Bo undressed.

When Bo turned towards her and sat at the edge of the table, she had her façade in place and pretended not to notice Bo's perfect thighs and perfect sweet scent or think about what she would be doing in seconds.

"Ok, then let's do this."

The exam was over quickly as usual. Bo put her clothes back on and Lauren drew a few vials of blood, then she asked the questions she had to, Bo tried to answer and the whole thing was over.

""""""""""

"I presume this is not the first time?" Lauren asked. She was so relieved the hardest part was over; she was actually able to relax a little.

"No… it isn't" She wished she hadn't told Lauren about what she did for a living; she wanted to be just a patient, a normal woman taking care of herself because she had a healthy sex life. She didn't want Lauren to know, to judge her.

"I mean… I don't have to tell you about safe sex?" She was blushing. Again.

"No… I'm always safe… as safe as possible." Her voice had an edge of irritation. She was never irresponsible. She had been when she was younger but she wasn't any more.

"How long have you been an escort?" Lauren just looked interested.

"For just over a year now."

"Do you like it?" She smiled.

"I do actually… you already asked me this…" Bo smiled too.

"Oh… I did?"

"Yes… At Joes… remember?" For the shortest of moments Lauren looked confused.

"Oh god, yes I did… Look I'm really sorry about the other night… is there something specific I should apologize for? I probably forgot some of the things I said… It's a little fuzzy… I'm not usually so…"

"Cute…?" Bo smiled as she watched the blush spread over Laurens face. She felt a little better now that Lauren had seen her in this situation. Lauren had been vulnerable and Bo had been vulnerable, now they were more even.

"No seriously, there's absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about; I'm sorry that you don't remember it though, then you would know. I really had a good time." She wondered for a moment if she could bring up Lauren's breakup. "Do you feel better? I mean about…"

"Being dumped…? Yeah, thanks. As I said it was just… well it wasn't serious."

"I still think she was a fool for dumping you."

Lauren could feel the blush creeping up her neck again. Oh god, she kept flirting with her. She felt flustered. And stupid... Bo was affecting her faculties. Did blushing affect your intellect? She couldn't remember.

"Ehhh…"

For a long moment they just looked at each other. Bo snapped out of it first. "Is… Is that it? Can I call about the results or…? She stood, grabbing her jacket.

"Oh… yes. If you call in a week they should be ready."

Bo reached out and took her hand. "Thanks"

"You're welcome" The touch made her shiver; she didn't want to let go. But she did and Bo walked out closing the door behind her.

She groaned as she dropped into her chair. This was the most embarrassing and unprofessional thing she had ever experienced; she wondered if Bo had felt it to… She should have just referred her to Gwen or Kelly right away. She closed her eyes, immediately seeing images of Bo's naked, perfect body laid open before her… Well… her fantasies would certainly be more vivid now… Thank god, this day was nearly over.

She put Bo's samples in the box for the lab, finished the journal and tidied up her workspace.

She paused briefly outside the exam room. A door down the hall was slightly ajar.

"Kelly?" she called through the crack, not wanting just to barge in if Kelly was with someone.

"Yeah Lauren. Come on in."

"Hey, you're done?" She leaned against the doorway.

"Just finishing up. On your way home?"

"Yeah, just wanted to see how you were?"

Lauren didn't have much contact with the other doctors at the clinic. It was mostly run using voluntary work and she only had 2 or 3 shifts a week. Kelly, however, she knew from med school. She had been pleasantly surprised when she found out she worked here too. They hadn't had contact since med school and she didn't know if Kelly knew what had happened; anyway she never said anything or asked. What actually made Lauren suspect she knew. They weren't close. Somehow Lauren had managed to keep everyone at arm's length for the last many years; not always on purpose, but still. She really liked Kelly and suspected it was mutual. But they never seemed to get past the acquaintance stage. Kelly had a husband and three kids and rarely had time to socialize alone but she had invited Lauren to her house several times. Somehow she always managed to decline… though she often wished she hadn't.

Kelly looked at her. "What's wrong? You look a bit out of it. Difficult patient?"

"I wish…" She was unsure of how much she should tell Kelly. Saying things out loud made them seem more real and she wasn't sure she was ready for that yet. "More like… A really attractive, hot patient…" She said it anyway.

"Ohhh…" She laughed "I know that feeling. Sometimes I'm extra grateful I'm not a man."

Kelly's reaction was a relief. Lauren groaned and hid her face in her hands. "And it was an STI check up…" Kelly laughed even more.

"… and I kind of met her at a bar last week… and we flirted…" Kelly was laughing so hard she couldn't breathe. The way Lauren was totally mortified by the experience contrasted with her normally cool and controlled demeanor.

"And we got drunk together…" She looked at Kelly "Seriously…? I admit to being totally unprofessional and you're just laughing?"

"Sorry, sorry, it's just hilarious." She dried her eyes, trying to catch her breath "You could have sent her to me; I would really like to see who can shake you so much."

"I know… I really should have… I did ask her though if she wanted someone else, but she said no… I shouldn't have given her an option about it."

"Some girls like to play doctor you know…" Kelly was totally serious now. Lauren looked at her with wide eyes…

"You think? She did it on purpose?" Ohhh… the implications…

Kellys face cracked open in a smile again "I'm sorry Lauren, I'm just kidding. My god, she really got to you."

Kelly had a very contagious laughter and suddenly Lauren could see the absurdity of the situation.

"Oh god, it's nice to laugh about it. It's a relief actually. I really take myself too serious, don't I? There's no harm done, right? And I'm probably never going to see her again."

"And she knows where to find _you_ if she wants to see you again." Kelly smirked at her.

"Ha, I should be so lucky" Lauren found that highly unlikely, Bo would probably never come to this clinic again.

"Do you remember that girl from med school with the black clothes? The one we called Lauren's ghost?" Unfortunately, Kelly had a really good memory.

"Ohhh god yes, I had to sneak around campus for months to avoid her. That was horrible" She had almost forgotten about that.

"I never understood why you didn't just talk to her, maybe she would have let you alone...?" Kelly didn't see what was so terrible about the girl, not even then.

Ohh, Lauren probably hadn't shared the details then "I... ehh... I did actually..." She blushed... again

"Then why...?"

"I probably kind of might have led her on... and then she started following me. I tried to talk to her again... but..."

Suddenly Kelly understood "You slept with her...? Seriously Lauren..."

"It was only supposed to be a one time thing... She was rather sexy... under all the black and the make up... in a totally obsessive way, as I found out later." They laughed again, and Kelly got up from her chair. "I better go home. That guy who wouldn't leave _me_ alone in med school is alone with the kids."

"""""""""""""""""

Walking home, she decided not to think about Bo anymore. The weather was beautiful. The September evening, crisp and clear, lifting her mood considerably. Kelly was right, there was no harm done and she hadn't done anything wrong… just thought about it… those smooth, soft, firm thighs… her soft sex with dark pink lips and trimmed hair… _no!_ She would _not_ go there again.

Next morning was Saturday so she slept in and took the time to do her sun salutations routine. She really wanted to do it more often, but as with so many other things in her life, she didn't; what she intended and wanted to do and what she actually did, were rarely the same.

No matter how much she tried to concentrate on her movements and positions her thoughts kept drifting to Bo. After a while, she gave up and just let her mind wander… Yoga was more than just going through the motions but that was what she could do now… she hoped she would be able to be more serious about it at some point.

Much later, after a shower and breakfast, her body felt relaxed and alive…very much alive. She found staying fit was a double edged sword… it was a good way to pass time and it made her feel much better, but it also boosted her sex drive which led to frustration and some less than healthy decisions, like going out to get laid and getting drunk in the process. A few months ago, she would have spent most of the weekend reading and preparing for the week while waiting for Liv to call… Waiting for a short frantic romp or a whole night of exquisite sex. Now she had too much time to think… Maybe her obsession with Bo was just a way to fill the void after Liv… a way to avoid the emptiness she felt recently. But on the other hand… how often in her life had she met someone who she found so attractive… and she was single… they were both adult… and assuming Bo was single too… why not try to see where it could lead? She had promised herself to drop the casual sex but after Liv had broken up with her, she was beginning to reconsider. Her libido would be much happier with something less… definite than complete celibacy. Maybe she could find something between the excessive sex, she had immersed herself in before Liv and the total lack of actual skin to skin sex that had been the last 3 months.

… Tonight or tomorrow morning she would go for a run… maybe she would go to Joes for a beer tonight… or not?

""""""""""""""""""

Lauren slammed the book shut. She was so frustrated with herself. No matter what she was did this weekend she got distracted. After breakfast she sat down to prepare for lectures next week. But in spite of her best efforts, she couldn't concentrate on the book in front of her. After six years of lecturing the same entry level course, she knew how she would present the curriculum, but this year they used a new textbook and she had to get acquainted with any new details there might be. And now several hours later she had a bunch of new research articles on free radicals in front of her. If she ever wanted to get back in the game, she had to keep herself updated about what happened in her field.

She might as well give up for today. Thoughts of Bo kept popping up. It bothered her that Bo was an escort. Even though she knew before, it became a lot more real when she had to give her an STI examination. Bo really _was_ a sex-worker. Thinking of Bo with random people, pretending to enjoy sex with them but really being disgusted... random people touching Bo... random people allowed to be intimate with her beautiful perfect body... she felt nauseous. It was so different from what she had experienced in the clubs...? For one there was no money involved... and everybody had the option of saying 'thanks but no thanks' at any point. She realized she had no clue how Bo's situation really was; maybe she only had recurring clients, clients she approved. It was an agency, there was probably some kind of control...? She didn't like the fact that it bothered her so much, it seemed a lot like plain jealousy... She groaned and let her head fall into the book in front of her at the table. How the hell would she ever be able to concentrate again?

Apparently she needed to get this out of her system… process it… how very lesbian of her. Unfortunately, she only had herself to process with…

Maybe she should call someone? But there was no one to call… she had made sure of that herself; always keeping people at a distance… It was a skill she had acquired in school, when she was a child, and she had gotten very good at it. So good, she had a hard time making friends even when she tried. The only one she could think of was Kelly, it was really nice to talk to her... but if she talked to her about Bo again, she would have to tell her far more than she was comfortable with... So, there was no one to call...

Read or not read? And what to do if she didn't read? These were the questions for now.

""""""

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""

Lauren took a sip of her beer and looked around the room; she had taken a seat at one of the booths in a back corner at Joe's, giving her a good view of the door and the bar while remaining a little hidden. This was the only place she knew there might be a chance to meet Bo again. She had no idea what she would say if she actually saw her. It wasn't like her anymore not to have a plan. A couple of years ago she would have thrown herself headlong into this just for the possibility of good sex and distraction from her poor excuse of a life, she would have gotten Bo's number to put in her little black phone-book; but that was then, and this is now... that's not what she wanted anymore… until now? She wasn't sure what she really wanted from Bo. Sex for sure… there was something extremely sexy about Bo in a very unassuming and down to earth way… no heavy makeup, no high heels and no long nails… and thank god for that. But even more she wanted to get to know her. And why shouldn't she? Bo might not be interested but that was ok… she wouldn't find out if she didn't try… Her own indecision about this confused her… It was more than just Bo potentially being her patient. If she referred her to Kelly or to another clinic, it shouldn't be a problem. But would an escort be interested in a casual hook up? Wasn't there enough sex in Bo's life? Maybe she just wanted to have relationships that were not all about sex? And Lauren wasn't sure if she herself wanted sex or a relationship… But if she didn't give it a chance she would go crazy thinking about what could have been… Maybe she would actually meet Bo and it would end with terrible, awkward disappointing sex… what if they weren't compatible sexually... maybe then she would be able to resume normal service… but how could sex with Bo be disappointing? In her fantasies it was always amazing… It probably couldn't be anything BUT disappointing when it was so amazing in her head… And why would Bo even be interested in anything, sexual or not, with her? She probably had a lot of friends already… She was probably just naturally friendly… And what if Bo wasn't feeling anything at all between them? Maybe it was only in her head? But she _had_ flirted with her the first time they met… _and_ at the clinic… in spite of her totally unprofessional behavior… But even when Bo had obviously been uncomfortable she had been sweet and friendly… and _sooo_ very sexy… She wished she hadn't seen Bo like that… now she had an idea what she would be missing if they didn't meet again… But at least she had something to think about… and she had thought about it _so_ much… The only way to deal with this was to try to give it a chance… She would never be able to get Bo out of her head if she didn't... and for the umpteenth time she was back where she started. Maybe a more systematic approach would help... She listed the possibilities in her head...

If she left now she would speculate about this for the rest of her life… but…

If she left now she would not get shot down and think about _that_ for the rest of her life…

If she stayed and met Bo again, they might have terrible, awkward disappointing sex… but…

If she stayed and met Bo again, they might have mind-blowing sex at some point in time…

And this was as far as she got... she couldn't get past the mind-blowing sex pictures that popped into her mind... When she looked at it this way, it was really simple. She just had to find out how much courage she had. Or maybe it was just too complicated for such a simple approach and she couldn't see it? She was too confused now… She needed another beer.

By the time she took the first sip of her fourth beer, she began getting seriously cold feet. What would she even say to Bo? She knew she had been okay with not having a plan earlier, but right now it felt like not one single coherent sentence was left in her brain and she doubted she would even be able to speak… and they had very little in common as far as she knew. Last time there had been a few awkward moments/moments when they didn't know what to say until they both had been slightly drunk… The more she thought about it the more she suspected that she did this because it took her mind of her usual train of thoughts about Nadia and Liv and all the rest of her meaningless life, and right now it was very efficacious…

...this would never work. She took her purse from the seat, grabbed her jacket and backed out from the booth… just to turn right into Bo…

"Leaving already?" Bo smiled.

"Eh… hi… yes… I was just… eh" She had no idea what to say. Standing so close, looking into her eyes had her speechless.

She could tell just how much she affected Lauren. It was such an unfair advantage but it didn't stop her from using it, even if she felt a little bad about it. She leaned an inch closer to Lauren and looked at her lips, feeling the responding spike in Laurens energy and the rapid intake of breath. They stood still like that for a seemingly endless moment until Lauren blinked and broke away.

"I really have to go" Almost a whisper. She closed her eyes and took a step sideways before she turned and walked towards the door. Bo looked after her for a moment and then followed her.

"Lauren, wait…" She caught up with her just outside the door and reached out to touch her arm but thought better of it and just walked beside her.

"Are you walking home?" It was the only thing she could think of to say, though she already knew where Lauren lived.

"I walk. It's just a few minutes…" It was dark now and Lauren realized that she'd been at Joe's for longer than she thought. She could really feel the beer now and wished she had just had one or two.

"Oh that's practical"

"You're going the same way?"

"Well it's a little further for me but in the other direction. I usually take a cab…"

"Then you shouldn't be going this way…?"

"I just feel like I should be apologizing for something" And she didn't want to say goodbye yet.

Why would Bo think she should be apologizing? "No, no _I_ should be apologizing. But I guess you're used to people getting all doe eyed over you?" Neither of them mentioned the meeting at the clinic though it was what they were talking about.

Bo didn't know what to say, she _was_ used to it but … Lauren didn't look at her. Just kept walking until she stopped in front of her building.

"So… thanks for walking me home…" Her voice held a tinge of sarcasm; Bo thought it might be to mask her insecurity. Again Bo looked at her lips. The pull of the aroused woman was almost magnetic.

"Lauren…" she looked into Lauren's eyes, almost getting lost in them. It felt like there was no way back from this. They both took a step forward and almost crashed together.

"Sorry"

And then they kissed. At first the kiss was soft, sweet, almost chaste but then her lips were teased open and Lauren's tongue was in her mouth, hot, licking, tasting her. Lauren tasted like beer and everything fell away, only the feeling of her mouth was left. Bo almost felt like she was drowning but she didn't care. Suddenly Lauren broke away for air and Bo noticed that her hands were in Lauren's hair. "Oh…"

Lauren moaned. Her hands had placed themselves on the small of Bo's back, pressing them together. She let go and took a step back, suddenly realizing that they were standing on a busy street among other people, attracting some attention "Shit…" She looked at Bo, a lot less insecure than she had been at Joe's. The buzz from the beer and the kiss giving her courage. "Would you like to come up?"

Bo let her hands slide from Lauren's hair and neck down her shoulders.

"Yes..." She still looked into her eyes. "No, no… I have to go, we… I don't think it's a good idea if we…" She took a step back, letting her hands drop to her sides. She couldn't be involved with Lauren, and she had to tell her why.

"Were you going to Joe's for a beer? Cause I have beer…" Lauren smiled. "I would really like to continue this but there are way too many people here…"

"Ok, I could drink a beer…" They could drink a beer and she would tell her.

Lauren's apartment was at the top floor; the walk up the stairs was mostly silent. Bo spent most of the time unsuccessfully trying not to stare at Lauren's very nice ass in her tight jeans. The fact that Lauren's energy had increased when Bo had agreed to come up, made it even harder. She could feel her resolve slipping. She had gained so much control of her hunger that she had been able to make a living of being in sexual situations with other people for more than a year, and now she suddenly felt like it was slipping.

Once inside the apartment Lauren put her jacket and bag down. "Come in" she said though Bo was already in the room.

"Sit down if you like" Lauren pointed towards the couch and smiled at her "I'll get you a beer. Or would you rather have wine?" She went towards the kitchen looking back at Bo.

"A beer would be fine, thanks" Instead of sitting down she slowly followed Lauren. It wasn't a large apartment, the kitchen was just a corner of the living room. The white walls had quite a few paintings of naked women. Along one wall, a huge bookcase was taking up space.

Lauren took two beers from the fridge. Leaning against the table, she extended one towards Bo. She had to step closer to take the beer. To close. Almost against her own will she leaned closer.

"So…" She was still smiling. Bo could see her energy flare; her body looked so sensual, hard nipples obscured by the layers of clothing, lips parted, pupils dilated, pulse beating rapidly in her neck. Her scent warm and intriguing. Lauren was looking at her lips. She put the beer down on the table behind her.

"I'm attracted to you, you know…" She was leaning in a little more.

"I know..."

"I guess you're used to it"

"I sometimes have that affect on people" It was almost a whisper. There was a little regret in her voice. And then they kissed again. Like before the kiss started out slow, almost hesitant for a moment but then things quickly progressed. Lauren's hands again had a will of their own; tangling in Bo's hair, running over her scalp, one caressing from her neck over her shoulder, down her front, finding the outside of a breast. They kissed for so long that Bo almost forgot where she was. Lauren was caressing her breast through her top and doing exquisite things to her mouth with her tongue. She felt her hunger stir with the arousal, almost taking over, but she managed to turn her head a little, kissing along Lauren's jaw line, down her neck. Lauren's head fell back to expose more neck for Bo's delicious kisses.

"Ooohhhh" she moaned slowly. This was sweet torture; she wanted Bo so much; she felt like pleasure was moving over her skin. Never, with any of her lovers of the past years, had she felt like this from just kissing. "Ohhhh god…" Lauren was breathing heavily "Bo…"

Bo knew she had to stop now before this got out of hand. Using all her willpower, she stopped kissing Lauren's neck and just leaned her head against her shoulder.

"Lauren… Lauren?" Bo almost pleaded. Lauren was still caressing her and moving against her until the tone of Bo's voice penetrated her haze.

"Unnggh?"

"I don't think this is a good idea. We have to stop… Lauren… Lauren please" She took Lauren's hand that was doing things to her breast and stilled it.

"We can take things slow. If you like…? We don't have to stop. I want you… " Lauren whispered against her ear, the warm breath sending shivers down her back.

"Yes we do… I can't… I…"

She moved away from Lauren "I can't Lauren... I'm sorry" Laurens energy was almost blinding her. "I should go" She grabbed her jacket from the chair and fled out the door.

Lauren couldn't believe it, she had never been so frustrated in her life... Her skin was tingling, all of her senses in overdrive. She could still taste Bo's lips, hear her moan and feel her move against her body. Her sex clenched in anticipation of a touch that didn't come. After a few moments she reached behind her and took the beer from the table. She pressed the still cool bottle to her neck... maybe a cold shower would be good...

Later, lying in her bed, a million thoughts running through her head. Why had Bo pulled back? It had been _sooo_ good. Did she have a lover? They shouldn't have kissed... if they had just talked like last time...? Maybe Bo didn't think it was good...? She would have to go back... She _had_ to see Bo again...


	4. Chapter 4

Kenzi sat down on the chair in the hallway, just inside the door; she let her jacket fall to the floor and dumped her boots under the table. The flat seemed empty. It had been a long day and she had hoped Bo was home. She got up and went into the kitchen hoping to find something edible. The fridge was empty… fuck… She would have to order something… she turned, closing the fridge.

"AAAAHHH" Bo stood right behind her; wrapped in a towel, hair wet from showering.

"Shit dude, you should wear a bell… I almost peed my pants… I didn't think you were home yet."

"Hey Kenz, sorry didn't mean to frighten you. I was upstairs…" Bo seemed twitchy "You hungry? I ordered thai. It's gonna be here soon. Hope it's the cute blond that's delivering today."

"Ohhhh… that's why you're dressed like that? I'll better go upstairs when he comes then?" Kenzi didn't want to be present for Bo's 'happy-meal'

"Could you? I promise I'll try to make it fast." She smiled.

Yeah right… Kenzi didn't really believe that anymore. She started walking up the stairs just as the doorbell rang.

30 minutes later the guy was gone and they were sitting on the floor in front of the couch eating cold food.

"So… " Kenzi asked "dare I ask what came into you? Besides delivery dude." She snickered "Sorry... that never gets old…"

"Yes it really does, trust me" Kenzi never missed an opportunity to snark. But this one was so overused. She tried to frown at Kenzi but felt too good and smiled instead.

"I met Lauren at Joe's again…"

"Prof Lauren? Doc Lewis?" Bo nodded

"Wasn't it awkward? After… last week?" Kenzi took a large forkful of panang "I'm so glad I wasn't there, but there was beer right, to help I mean?"

"I didn't drink. She left when I came… but we kissed. She makes me lose control; I _know_ I can't be involved with her and I just stand there and kiss her instead of telling her why it can't happen… that I'm her student. I don't know what to do about it Kenzi."

"This is getting serious, right? I've never seen you like this about a girl before… And from just a kiss"

"She's not just any girl… and it wasn't just a kiss"

"Well woman then?"

"She invited me up for a beer… and I went with her; I thought it would be easier to tell her then. But of course it wasn't. She kissed me again and told me we could take it slow. That she wanted me…" She could almost feel Laurens lips again… And she could certainly feel her eyes flash blue at the thought. She felt horny again. "God... my fucking god, kenzi, what the hell am I doing? She makes me so hungry?" She buried her head in her hands.

"If I didn't know better I'd say you're in love with her… And I don't know better actually" While she had known Bo she'd never been so affected by anyone. As far as Kenzi knew Bo had only been in love once, when she was a teenager and it had ended in disaster. This could not be easy for Bo. She still hadn't said anything.

"Did you tell her? What did she say?"

"No… I just left. I almost… We almost… I had to leave" She was silent for a while.

"The thing is Kenz, I think I could be with her if I didn't feel guilty about not telling her who I am… It's like an extra aphrodisiac… you know? It's like I want it extra much because I know I can't have it? So maybe I should just quit the course and have sex with her?" She looked so desolate it almost broke Kenzi's heart.

"No, no, no Bo... this is what you wanted, you're finally doing what you wanted, you can't give up this easy. Wait and see where this goes… Maybe you will feel different with time. Or maybe she will be open to being with you… You have to tell her! The sooner the better!"

"You really think I'm in love with her? Or just very much in lust" Bo looked up from her forgotten 'kaeng pet'. Just thinking about Lauren and what could have happened today had her hungry and horny again.

"I don't know if you are… only you know that. I've just never seen you so… shaken. Have you ever felt like this before?"

Bo hesitated "No I don't think so… not even with Kyle back then… But I was so young then… I was another person. Nobody has ever gotten close enough… except you of course. But it's different with you… you know." She smiled at Kenzi.

"And thank god for that…" Kenzi emphasized the sentiment with an eyeroll.

They had sex sometimes in the beginning when they had first met and Bo moved in with Kenzi in her 'repossessed' apartment in a mostly abandoned building in the outskirts of town. It had been about comfort and reassurance. And for Bo it had been about the sex too of course. Since then they had agreed to just be friends as there wasn't really any sexual attraction... and Kenzi stubbornly maintained she was straight.

"God Kenzi, I'm so horny even the table looks good right now" Bo was groaning, eyes flashing blue. "So do you…" Maybe Kenzi would be in the mood for some fun?

"Oh Bo, please don't look at me for that." Bo was hard to resist if she really tried to seduce you… she was kind of in a league of her own and so was the sex.

"Maybe just one more time…?" She put the food down and turned to Kenzi with a blue flash of her eyes. "For old time's sake? I'll make it _really_ good for you...?"

Kenzi looked at her with doubt. "Not even for two bottles of vodka, you freak..." She threw a forkful of rice at Bo. She smiled now, winking at Kenzi, and she realized with relief that Bo wasn't really serious anymore. "Ohhh _seriously_? You had me for a moment, you... superfreak"

"We agreed that we wouldn't go there again Bo"

"Yeah I know, sorry Kenz... but you are _so easy_... you... supergeek"

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Another shift was nearing its end. Lauren sometimes missed the hectic activity of emergency rooms she had experienced when she was an intern. The kind of work where you didn't have time to think about your own problems… She sure had time now; only routine cases that left her with ample time to get lost in her circular thoughts about Nadia or Liv or Bo. She longed to get home and open a bottle of wine and… She blushed at the thought that came to mind. This was better left to between patients. She hoped that the young man she was currently drawing blood from hadn't noticed the blush.

She was cleaning up when Kelly poked her head in "Hi"

Lauren had hoped to get away without being noticed; no such luck. "Hey" She smiled.

"Glad I caught you, just had to ask if there's news about your crush?" Kelly looked at her with a smirk. Lauren suspected Kelly hoped for something juicy. Husband and three kids… she might need someone else's smutty potential hook ups. She would rather keep the latest development to herself but knew she wouldn't be able to lie convincingly. Kelly would see right through her.

"Why would there be any news?" Lauren gave it a try anyway.

"Ohhh, okay..." Lauren felt her façade crumbling as Kelly looked at her. "Ha! Your face tells me everything…" She smirked "Sorry Lauren, you don't have to tell me…" But she kept staring at Lauren expectantly.

"If you must know... we kissed... but she backed out… I don't know why…" She looked away. "I went to Joe's again… to try and meet her... I definitely can't be her doctor anymore…"

"If she comes back here please send her to me, promise?" Kelly smiled. "Seriously, I don't see the problem? You're both adults… It's just sex right? Go for it, and _pleeeeaaase _tell me about it later. I'm starving." She made a face at Laurens surprise "Ok TMI? I would say I'm joking but I'm not… not really."

"No, you're right I don't know what the hell is wrong with me." She did know. It was different with Bo because she hadn't felt like this about anyone since she met Nadia. "It shouldn't be a big deal at all. It's not like it would be…" She caught herself "The worst thing about this is my own reaction."

"Lauren... Seriously. Life is short, okay? You are free to do as you want, so do! Go talk to her, get to know her and seduce the hell out of her."

"You mean just sleep with her and be done with it? Like I usually do? I tried to but she didn't... I couldn't persuade her." She looked at Kelly, unsure if Kelly knew about her past or had heard the rumors…"Sorry TMI on my part now?"

"No, no, it's just… I haven't seen this side of you since med school… It's nice." It was the first time since they met at the clinic that Lauren had shown this much feeling. She was afraid Lauren would think she was judging her behavior. In some respects Lauren's life was the opposite of Kelly's: Lauren was free while Kelly had 3 kids with her husband whom she met at med school. And Kelly envied her.

"I know I have a reputation I just don't know if it has reached you?"

"It has... people talk..."

"So you know that I'm… What exactly are people saying? No one tells me to my face."

"You sure you want to hear it?"

"No, but tell me anyway, I already have an idea... and it can't be worse than my imagination."

"Well... I heard you sleep around a lot, and you had an affair with a student and... got your job because you slept with your supervisor and had him help you."

"Ohh... I thought it was worse..."

"Well that's the essence of it..." It _was_ worse but Kelly didn't have the heart to tell Lauren. One of the phrases she heard was 'she fucks everything with a vagina' but Lauren didn't need to hear that.

"Seriously? You didn't hear that I falsified my research at Goofy's lab? Hmm? Or that I'll sleep with anyone who can get me an advantage in my career?"

"Yes I did... I just... I think a lot of this is jealousy… You're beautiful, very intelligent… and very good at what you do… Some are just jealous because they hear about you and all the beautiful women you supposedly sleep with, women that would never even look to their side. Look Lauren, most people don't listen to rumors, they know that there is probably more to the story. And I know for a fact that a lot of people like you, but you seem very reserved and aloof, sometimes that comes across as being arrogant. Some people don't have the courage to approach you."

"Wow… I'm..." She was uncomfortable hearing Kelly talk about her like this. "Thank you for telling me… I didn't realize… I was afraid that people believe what they heard." She was grateful that Kelly had omitted the more vicious things people were saying, trying to be kind. It was sweet of her and Lauren remembered how sweet she had been when they were at school.

"So what I'm saying…" Kelly continued, "Go for it… if you want to... Maybe it will be short, or maybe it will be the love story of the century. But don't punish yourself."

"Thanks Kelly. You are the voice of reason, you always were. I get lost in my own head so often; it's hard to see things clearly when you're in the middle of them."

"You're welcome"

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The woman's hands were tied above her head. Lauren looked at her curvy hips and smooth thighs, her legs were spread and she could smell her arousal. She loved the anticipation of what was to come. The woman's skin was surprisingly cool as she let her hand slide slowly down her back, down over the swell of her ass. Stepping nearer she pressed against her body, enjoying the ass against her sex. The woman moaned and twisted a little, turning as much as she could in her position, thrusting her ass backwards against Lauren's sex. Lauren ran her hands over her stomach, up to her breasts, filling her hands with them. She wanted to kiss her neck but she buried her face in her hair, breathing in the sweet smell. "Just kiss me baby, kiss me please..." She ran her hands down to her sex, fingers sliding in between the slick folds. The woman moaned again and tried to move in spite of her restraints. "God Lauren... please fuck me..."

She woke up just as frustrated as usual. Why did these dreams always end before they were finished. She groaned and turned on her back to finish on her own.

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Lauren had just finished her first lecture on the gastrointestinal system.

"This was it for now, If you have any questions…" there was talking at one of the last rows of the large auditorium and a few people raised their hands. She looked up towards them "...please think about it for a while, and then if you still have them I have office hours Mondays and Thursdays between 9 and 10, you are welcome to come see me, or you can email me. We will continue with…" Her eyes swept the crowd and then suddenly she looked right into the eyes of Bo; she was sitting right there, in the back, an open lap top in front of her, holding the textbook in one hand and resting her chin in the other; she gave a little smile and a nod.

For a moment Lauren's face was an open book. Surprise, shock, panic and fear mixed instantly before she composed herself and continued. Bo gasped in empathy at the emotions on Lauren's face. So this was it, she was busted now. Regret mixed with relief. She had to talk to her now; make sure they were okay... as okay as they could be.

Lauren felt dizzy; all the blood left her head, cold sweat was breaking out. For a moment she felt like she would faint. She took a deep breath and willed herself to continue, "We will continue with this for the next three lectures." She quickly gathered her notes and dodged the few students that tried to get her attention.

In the safety of her office, Lauren tried to calm down a little. She could really use a drink right now. The implications of Bo being a student were too much. How could this happen again? How had she not noticed Bo if she had been to her lectures?

There was a knock on the door. She ignored it but there it was again; her colleagues usually didn't bother to wait for her answer. The door opened a little and Bo looked at her. "Can I come in?"

She nodded. Bo stopped just inside the door, one hand still at the doorknob.

"I swear I'm not stalking you…" Lauren sat at her desk, both hands on the laptop in front of her; she looked completely unfazed and Bo wondered if it had been a good idea to come here. Maybe she had misinterpreted her expression when she recognized her at the lecture? Maybe she didn't care...

"Close the door please."

"Look, Lauren, I know I should have told you… that I'm taking your course… But there never seemed to be a good time."

"Any time before we kissed at Joe's would have been good…" Her voice was sober and chilly.

"I'm sorry…" She really was. She took a step towards Lauren but the other woman's attitude was so aloof she couldn't continue.

"I wanted to tell you, I really did but then we kissed… I had to kiss you… "

"The things I told you." She had felt that she could trust Bo and now it seemed so stupid, why the hell did she make such a mistake again? She should have learned by now.

"I didn't know who you were when we met at Joe's… and you looked so sad… and then when I recognized you, I just wanted to know what was wrong… I just… there never seemed to be a good time to tell you. And at the clinic… I had no idea you worked there." Bo realized she was rambling. She had to make Lauren believe her.

The brief silence was interrupted by a single knock and then the door was opened swiftly, allowing a middle-aged man with ugly glasses to poke his head in.

"Hey Lauren could you maybe…" He made a show of suddenly noticing Bo. "Oh you have company… of the female variety" He snickered. "I won't disturb then, can you come see me when you're… finished, please" With that he left, leaving the door open.

Bo reached behind her and closed the door again. "What the hell was that about?"

"That's Taylor, one of my colleagues… I already have a reputation you see." She still hadn't moved.

"Oh, and I'm just giving you more grief?"

"Not yet… but you might be at some point…"

"So this is not a good time to tell you that I'm attracted to you? If you hadn't figured that out already. Please Lauren let's just cut the crap; I _am_ and I have no intention of hurting you with any of this."

Lauren was starting to lose her cool. No matter how much she had dreamed of hearing Bo say this, she could not deal with Bo being part of her work life. She had to stop this right now.

"I can't have this conversation here. It'll only be a matter of minutes before the next one comes in, I'm sure"

"Ok… We could get a cup of coffee later if you want…?"

"Sure…" No, it really wasn't a good idea.

"Obviously not in the cafeteria then but… Come to my place? At 5 maybe?"

Lauren hesitated; meeting in private wasn't a good idea with the attraction and lack of control she felt around the woman, but meeting in public was not an option either, in this area there was a big risk of running into somebody they knew and being seen with a student could be the last straw with her reputation.

"Ok, sure" She had to smile at the expression on Bo's face, the serious expression disappeared in an instant and her face lit up in a giant smile

"Great" Bo couldn't hide her pleasure. She gave Lauren her address and left, almost skipping down the hallway.

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When Bo left Lauren sat for a very long time just starring into the air... What the hell was happening? First Liv and now Bo… Why couldn't she be attracted to someone _not_ associated with the uni or at least someone who was _not_ a student? Bo claimed to not know who she was, when they met, and she seemed older than Liv, so it wasn't exactly the same, but it was still a mess… She could ruin what little was left of her career and it could affect Bo as well… She could not let this continue. There was no need to let her thoughts dwell on how hot Bo was or how good kissing had felt her… nor on how good her neck had smelled… She closed her eyes for a moment; this was exactly why this couldn't continue. She just started getting her life back to something resembling normal. She didn't have the energy for this much emotional and physical upheaval and she didn't have the energy to pull everything back together one more time. She had made her decision. She got up from the desk, if she left now she had time to take a long run and eat before she had to leave to go to Bo's. Screw Taylor, he would babble on and on about nothing and she didn't have patience for him today.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: This may finally start living up to the M rating, consider yourself warned. There may be longer between updates for the next few weeks as I'm leaving for vacation tomorrow, but it's only temporary. And finally, thank you all for the rewievs. It's so nice to know what you think. Enjoy

* * *

Bo was walking around restlessly in her apartment, waiting. After leaving Lauren, she had called the agency to hear if somebody needed her services. She could not meet Lauren unprepared. If she was too hungry she risked scaring her away. She had to be able to control herself and not just jump her. Luckily, it was Kenzi who answered the phone.

"Hey Kenz, thank god it's you. Do you think you can find someone for me today, maybe soon or like right now?"

_"Hold on BoBo, I'll just check… Yeah there might be, wait a minute… okay, what do you say about George… no, wait maybe Jane G? They have appointments with Julie today but I know she's been stressed out lately? "_

"Oh that would be great, Kenzi you're a lifesaver. Can I have them both?"

_"No Wondersnatch, the lifesaver would be you actually. Why are you so hungry?"_

"Lauren saw me today, at her lecture. We're meeting later and I have to be prepared."

_"Oh yeah, I see, don't wanna do something you regret later. I'll see if they're up for it" Kenzi smirked, there was no doubt they would be. "Glad to be of service, I'll text you the details, Ok?"_

"Ok, see you later Baby."

And now she had showered and tried to tidy the apartment, not very successfully though; there seemed to be laundry and used plates in the strangest places. Neither she nor Kenzi were exactly organized. She gave up; it was too late to do anything serious about it now anyway. Walking around picking up random stuff, she wondered how to approach Lauren. What did she even want ? If she had to honest with herself she didn't know. Being who she was, sex was always the first thing on her mind and she was _so, so_ sick of it. She wanted the chance to have something different with Lauren, get to know her, before they jumped into bed together, and yet every time she saw Lauren she just wanted to get naked with her. This time probably would be no different. _If_ Lauren wanted to be with her she doubted she would have the resolve to resist. And Bo knew herself well enough to know that she would probably try to convince Lauren otherwise if, on the other hand, she did _not_ want to be with Bo. So... what the hell should she say to Lauren? She would have to hear what Lauren had to say and just go from there.

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She looked at her watch... ten minutes early. Instead of going up, she leaned against the wall until it was five o'clock. After a few deep breaths, she turned towards the door and pressed the doorbell.

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At 1700 hours precisely the buzzer sounded. Bo buzzed the front door open without asking who it was, they rarely, if ever, had guests and people never just dropped by because nobody knew where they lived. It could only be Lauren. Moments later Bo opened the door as a knock signaled Lauren's arrival.

"Hey, you're very precise" She smiled "Come in" For a moment she was speechless. Lauren had her hair down and looked stunning in loose-fit jeans and a grey tank top under a dark red button down shirt. Her leather jacket draped over her arm. The transformation to what Bo had dubbed 'after hours Lauren' was complete; she looked so much younger than she did earlier today in her office.

"Wow… you look… amazing" Bo's mind idly wondered how quickly she could get her out of those clothes.

"Old habit… being precise I mean… Thanks" She looked around in the room. Just inside the door was a high table with an assortment of scarf's, keys and a few notebooks. Under the table were two pair of Goth-style black boots, obviously not Bo's. The apartment was not at all, what she had expected. The building was in a nice, modern part of town and she had imagined it would reflect in the apartment. Generally, the place was light and most of the walls in the large room were white. At one corner the walls were painted a dark brownish red, the color reaching about two thirds along both walls. Facing the corner was a big dark blue couch and two different chairs; several bookcases and odd unidentifiable objects were lined up along the walls. Two doors in the far wall led off to the rest of the apartment.

"Would you like something to drink? A cup of coffee, wine?" Lauren's attention returned to Bo who pointed towards the kitchen in a corner of the room.

"Coffee would be great" She dropped her jacket on the couch, and wiped her sweaty hands on her jeans before she took a seat at the kitchen table… and looked at Bo's back and behind while she made the coffee. Her jeans complimented her body very, _very_ much.

"Milk? Sugar?" Bo had to smile at the way Lauren blushed as she turned around; she shook her head no.

Bo sat down, placing a cup in front of her. She took a deep breath and started talking.

"I swear Lauren I didn't know who you were when we first met… you looked so different I didn't recognize you at first. Please, bel-"

"Bo" Lauren interrupted her, she had to say this before she lost her resolve, Bo was just as attractive and hot as she had been the other times they had met and Lauren could feel how she was affected by her; she had to be rational about this.

"Bo, we cannot continue this… what… whatever it is we're doing."

"Oh… I know, but… It was an amazing kiss." Bo smiled and felt an involuntary shiver at the thought. Despite seeing the reason in Laurens words, even having planed to say them to Lauren, hearing them made her feel unreasonably disappointed. So this was how it felt? Being dumped. And they had only just met.

"It wasn't just a kiss" Lauren closed her eyes for a moment.

"I know, but…"

"I'm your teacher… you're my student… and I'm your doctor… you're my patient… It can't get much more wrong than that. I'm sure you can see this?" And surely that must be why she'd stopped them going further Friday.

"We could discover that we're related. That would be weird." Bo tried to lighten the mood and Lauren had to smile in spite of herself.

"Look Lauren can't we just be friends?"

"It doesn't really matter what kind of relationship we have Bo, if someone finds out we meet outside of university I could be in serious trouble. My reputation isn't the best to begin with; I'm sure the assumption will be that we are lovers."

"I know you're right, I just don't like it." Bo rested her elbows on the kitchen table folding her hands in front of her mouth. She was so caught up in her own disappointment that she didn't think about asking Lauren about her reputation.

Bo looked cute and vulnerable and so much younger than she did the first night at Joe's, and now Lauren was telling her that she couldn't have what she wanted; she felt cruel.

"If I wasn't your student...?" Bo was grasping at straws.

"But you are." Oh god, if Bo wasn't her student. She closed her eyes as images of naked Bo flashed before her.

The moment Lauren closed her eyes Bo could see her energy spike. There was no doubt, what would happen if Bo wasn't her student.

"I won't be your student forever." Was she being presumptuous implying this attraction would last longer? She had no idea if Lauren would have only wanted a fun fling or something more; would she even have been interested in being friends with Bo. And to be honest she didn't know what she wanted herself in the long run… she only knew that right now she wanted to touch Lauren so much she was willing to give up the phys course. It didn't really matter to her at this point.

"I sure hope not, but…" Lauren took a sip of her coffee, trying to hide her confused smile. Did Bo already think of a longer perspective for them? Though she couldn't help the excited shiver in her stomach, reality was they had only met a couple of weeks ago and didn't know much about each other.

Drawing on all her experience of doing what she had to, instead of what she wanted, Lauren got up from the kitchen chair. "We just can't do this Bo, that's how it is" Her tone was determined "I better leave. You're still welcome to come see me at my office hours or email me if you have questions regarding the course, but other than that I don't want us to… well you know what I mean." She wanted to explain better; this felt so final. But it had to be. There was no need for more words.

"yeah, I know." Bo looked up at her. "I am sorry."

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Half an hour later Bo was still deep in her thoughts as the door buzzed. It took her a few moments to realize what the noise was, and when she did, a short moment of panic seized her. She hadn't ordered any take out... Who knew they lived here... only Lauren… The years on the run had left some gut reactions. Maybe Kenzi had forgotten her keys. She pressed the button "Yes?"

"Bo? It's me, ehh Lauren. I think I might have left my phone here? Have you seen it? Can I come up?"

A wave of relief swept over Bo. "Sure" She stayed at the door while Lauren climbed the stairs.

"Hey" Lauren smiled at her, the most adorable smile; Bo could just look at her, mesmerized.

"Sorry to bother you again, but I can't find it and I haven't been anywhere else since I used it last, so I really hope it's here; if not I probably dropped it somewhere and then I'll never find it" For a moment Bo was silent. "Bo?" She just stood there "Can I come in?"

"Yes sure, sorry, come in… I wasn't expecting to see you again" Then they were standing just inside of the door. To close. "I haven't seen it, but let's look for it" She didn't move.

"You can call me?" Lauren looked at her expectantly and Bo realized she had been just staring.

"Oh yeah. Sorry" Bo just handed her her own phone and Lauren pressed the number. As they waited, Lauren looked at Bo and her tight tank top that didn't exactly hide her cleavage. Even with the expression of regret she had now, her face was sweet.

After a few seconds, there was a single faint buzz from somewhere in the room "I think it's on vibrate…" She took a few steps towards the middle of the room and called again. One more buzz and then silence.

"I got it, try again" Bo was standing in front of the couch "Yes! Got it" She leaned forward over the back of the couch, reaching between the armrest and the pillow. At that moment Lauren lost her resolve; two strides and she was standing behind Bo as she turned around with the phone in her hand.

"Here it is…" She hadn't heard Lauren come up behind her "Oh… and here you are… too…" her voice trailed off as she realized Lauren's intent. "Ohh…"

"Yes" Lauren looked at her lips, mere inches away. She watched Bo's tongue lick the pink bottom lip and her heart rate picked up. She wanted Bo and she was going to get her. She looked into Bo's eyes and slowly leaned in for the kiss.

"Ohhh…" The expression on Lauren's face took Bo by surprise and made her stomach drop. It was an assertive one at first, as if to tell Bo that resistance was futile. And then there were soft, warm lips, strong against Bo's. Slowly her tongue came into play, sliding over Bo's bottom lip, wiggling for entry before the kiss became passionate and heated when Bo responded. She backed Bo against the back of the couch, pressing their hips together, hands going to the back of Bo's thighs, lifting her the few inches to sit on the edge. Quickly Bo's legs came up to wrap around Lauren's waist, pulling their bodies flush against each other. Lauren's hands began moving from their place on Bo's ass up her back under the top, sliding hard against her smooth skin, pressing their bellies together. Bo's hands in her hair trailed down to her shirt, over her breasts. She pressed Lauren back a little, fumbling to unbutton her shirt without breaking the kiss.

"Ohhh god…" Lauren moaned, she pushed Bo's hands away and quickly unbuttoned her shirt, dropping it before pulling her tank over her head, revealing her naked upper body to Bo's eager hands.

"You too" Lauren's hands returned to Bo's back pulling the top over her head and then reaching for the clasp of her black bra. As her full breasts were revealed, Lauren's breath caught.

"Ohhh Bo… you are so beautiful" Her hands slowly moved to cup the soft, warm breasts, thumbs stroking the hardened nipples. Lauren's caress sent jolts of pleasure straight to Bo's sex and she resumed her rhythmic motion against Lauren. Their lips met again and Lauren's hands returned to her ass. She let herself be consumed in the feeling of Lauren's breasts against her own, hands on her ass and the hot mouth that devoured her own with controlled passion.

As Bo's movements got more and more enthusiastic Lauren's hand came around to unbutton her jeans. Slowly sliding under the fabric of her panties, she felt the moist stickiness of Bo's skin, the short trimmed hairs and the slick wetness on her lips, cupping Bo's sex. "Ohh god baby…" pressing two fingers between her lips and sliding down over the smooth, swollen clit as far as she could, just dipping a fingertip into her. Bo moved against her hand, eager for friction.

The way Bo's fingers tangled in her hair as Lauren kissed down her neck, her breaths coming faster, legs trembling to hold on. This was even better than she had imagined; Lauren's sex was twitching and delicious arousal spreading in her body. She needed more than this position could give her.

"Ohhh… no no no no don't stop…" Bo pleaded, breath hot in Lauren's ear as she removed her hand. But she did, placing both hands on Bo's ass, lifting her and walking the few steps around the couch, setting her down and kneeling in front of her.

"Lauren…" Bo's voice was shaking "… please…"

In a few hard yanks Bo's jeans and underwear was of and Lauren was diving in, tongue first, into Bo's wetness. She had imagined this so many times in the past few weeks but not like this; she wanted to take time to savor this musky, heavy, sweet taste of Bo. She had imagined there would be teasing, caressing, slow moves against each other, kissing of breasts and bellies and hipbones but this was just raw need. She needed to make Bo come, to taste her.

For a brief moment she realized that this was not safe, she was not safe… how many people had Bo slept with? How long ago was the last time she had sex? Did she let anyone else go down on her like this?

"Ohhh… god…" Lauren's hair against the inside of her thighs, her arms under her thighs. Bo spread her leg as far as she could, pressing her sex against Lauren's mouth and chin. The way Lauren sucked her clit, the way her tongue pressed and licked into her, it was heaven and she wanted it to last but she couldn't, and suddenly she just came… waves of release rolled over her, making her spasm against Lauren's mouth… her fingers tangled in Lauren's hair holding her mouth in place, tongue still licking, until the twitching stopped.

She fell back against the couch, limp and spent, breathing deeply "Holy shit, Lauren."

For a time they just lay there, Lauren's head still against Bo's thigh. Bo slowly untangled her fingers, smoothing back Lauren's hair, caressing her face, enjoying Lauren's breath warm against her overheated sex. She reached behind Lauren's neck. "Come up here baby…"

Lauren didn't move.

"No… I'm sorry. I can't do this again." Her voice was hoarse as if she was trying not to cry, and she swallowed as she got up from her position in front of Bo, "I'm sorry Bo, I'd better go." Quickly she picked up her tank and shirt.

"Lauren...? Don't…" Bo got up from the couch and took a few steps towards her. Lauren pulled the tank on and looked at Bo "I'm sorry Bo... It's not you, it's me. I just can't. I really am sorry."

"Don't go..." But she did and Bo could only watch her as she pulled on her shirt, took her jacket and left.

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Lauren almost ran down the stairs. She couldn't breathe. The cool air outside hit her and she took a deep breath leaning against the building again like when she first came. The taste of Bo was still on her lips. She wiped her mouth and chin with the sleeve of her shirt, pulled her jacket on and started the walk home.

She was ashamed of herself, her weakness, her lack of control, of how she must have confused Bo. And then she had just left… How could this happen again? When would she ever stop sabotaging her own life?


	6. Chapter 6

Lauren wiped her face with her sleeve; running this evening was harder than she liked. Late nights and too much wine really wasn't good for you. Sweat was getting in her eyes, her lungs were hurting and for a moment, she thought she might throw up. The stairs to her fifth floor apartment seemed endless, and she was shaking when she reached the door. The pain was good, it kept her mind off things she didn't like to think about… To think she had thought Bo was a nice way to get her mind off Nadia and Liv. Now thoughts about Bo were just as unpleasant as the rest. No, it wasn't _Bo_… actually thinking about Bo, on the couch, was _so_ good, she had replayed it in her head over and over_… _it was how she had behaved towards her, leaving like that… _if_ she had her number she would call her, she told herself, but for some reason she wasn't listed. She could drop by… but frankly she didn't have the courage; she was to ashamed of herself. It had almost been two weeks and she didn't know how much longer she could stand feeling like this.

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For once Lauren was totally lost in her notes on the respiratory system and it took some time before the insistent knocking registered.

It was getting beyond late but she wanted to be finished preparing for the next set of genetics lectures today, so she could concentrate on physiology tomorrow. She just had to read a couple more pages of notes and she would be done. The knock on the door took her by surprise. She hadn't had unannounced visitors in ages. She was tempted not to open; she really wasn't in the mood to talk to anybody and with her old comfy t-shirt and sweats and wool socks not exactly dressed for entertaining either, but her curiosity won.

She was not prepared for Liv standing there.

"Oh hi" She wanted to smile but she was too surprised and just stared at her.

"Hi Lauren. Can I come in?" She pushed past Lauren without waiting for the reply.

"Oh sure" She closed the door behind Liv and followed her into the living room. Liv's presence still had a physical effect on her; the scent of her perfume, her lips; memories of when they had sex on the couch came back to her and she felt the heat in her cheeks again. She briefly wondered why she was so turned on all the time.

"Are you alone? I'm not interrupting anything am I?" she looked around the room at the books and papers littering most surfaces. "Sorry to come unannounced, but I have been trying to call you" She almost looked disappointed that she didn't catch Lauren at something.

"No I'm just preparing for next week" Lauren just stood there. "Do you want a glass of wine?"

"Sure, thanks" She could feel Liv's eyes on her back as she went to the kitchen for a glass. Liv was looking intently at her while she poured a glass and held it out to her. Liv took the glass and leaned on the edge of Lauren's table.

"What do you want, Liv?" She could hear the slight irritation in her own voice, Liv's attitude clearly told her that she wanted something and she suspected she knew what it was. She reached for her own glass and sat down on the armrest of the couch just to do something.

"You haven't returned my calls" She still looked at Lauren.

"No. I didn't think there was a point in us talking anymore… You said so yourself. And if I recall right you spent a couple of months not returning _my_ calls." she pointed out, folding her arms over her chest. "I realized you were right, we were not going anywhere. It was never like that, and it's just given us both grief. How is Randal by the way?" She drank the last of her wine and sat the glass on the table. "But we have been through all this before… Why did you come?"

"Are you seeing someone else?"

Suddenly Lauren could hear the jealousy in Liv's voice. Was that it? She moved on and ignored her and then Liv was suddenly interested again. "Oh, it's about that, is it? Why do you even care?" She felt a little twinge of schadenfreude at the fact that Liv was jealous. She hadn't been totally inconsequential to her then. "And what if there is? Liv we stopped months ago, you ignored me for all this time and now you're suddenly here? Tell me… what is this really about?" She got up, she was to angry to sit still. She realized with relief that this didn't hurt nearly as much as last time they talked; there might even have been tears involved then. Now she was just annoyed.

Liv took a step towards her. "Lauren"

She kissed her and Lauren was too surprised to pull back. Then her breath was in Lauren's ear creating goose bumps down her back. "Fuck me baby, please." And Lauren suddenly remembered why they started in the first place.

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She thrust violently into Liv, who had her legs wrapped around Lauren's hips tightly. The irregular moans and whimpers told her that Liv was close. So was she_…_ her eyes were closed and her thoughts were on Bo_…_ One last frantic movement and she came for the second time this night, taking Liv with her.

She licked a drop of sweat from Lauren's throat. Still out of breath. "Sorry"

Lauren could hear the smile in Liv's voice. "No you're not."

"Look, I know I was the one who wanted to stop…but we are _so_ fucking good at this."

The fact that Liv thought it was as good as ever, when Lauren felt so detached this time, just highlighted how far apart they were emotionally. Lauren had been going through the motions. The jolt of excitement from Liv's arousal had got them started, but then Lauren realized that it was just sex, good sex but still… just sex. It wasn't what she wanted anymore. The whole time she'd thought of Bo, she had tried not to, but she did.

"We can't do this anymore." She sat up on her knees between Liv's legs, dropping the strap-on to the floor. She felt completely drained. At least she would sleep well for what was left of the night.

"So there _is_ someone else?"

"That's not why, I just don't have the energy for this drama anymore. Do you think I would fuck you if I was with someone?" As Liv had just done. "Oh_…_ I forgot. It never bothered you much."

She ignored the question. "But there is someone else?"

"Yes" There _was_ someone. Lauren was completely into Bo. It didn't matter that they weren't together in any sense of the word. She reached over Liv to untie her right arm, before rolling over to lie beside her.

"Who?" Liv untied the other arm herself.

"It doesn't matter"

"It does to me"

Liv's voice was insistent, on the verge of sounding childish and Lauren suddenly remembered how young Liv sometime seemed though there was only 9 years between them. "It matters to me too, but you have no right to ask me that. Are you jealous?" Liv was quiet.

"You're the one with a _boyfriend_ and you get jealous? Try to get a grip Liv" She just wanted this to be over. She got off the bed and walked towards the bathroom. "I don't want to do this anymore. Just go home Liv, just go"

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"Hey" Lauren looked up surprised at Kelly's voice

"Hi, long time no see?" Kelly hadn't been at the clinic for a couple of weeks.

"Yeah I've been at home for a while, we have enjoyed two rounds of stomach virus, all five of us" she looked tired and thinner then usually

"Ohh, how_…_ unpleasant?" She wanted to say gross, but she stopped herself, she was a doctor after all. "How are you now? Are the boy's well again?"

"Yes, and it's a relief to be out of the house." She sounded like that was an understatement.

"I can imagine"

"So_…_?" Kelly looked at her expectantly

"So_…_? What?" Lauren knew, but this time she really didn't want to tell.

"Ohhh, sorry Lauren, it's bad?" Lauren really didn't have a good poker face.

"It's a mess, I would say."

"It's okay if you'd rather not tell, it's none of my business, I was just curious"

"No, no it's nice to have someone to tell actually, but it's not a funny awkward story this time; it' just a mess."

"What happened?"

"She's a student and she's taking my course... that happened."

"Oh!" Kelly looked surprised. "Why didn't she tell you when you met? How did you find out? The semester started before you met didn't it?"

"Well she says she didn't recognize me at first, and I think it's true_…_ it could be. I was kind of 'after-hours Lauren' that night so_…_ I saw her in the auditorium, at the end of a lecture."

"But she could have told you later?"

"Yes, she could. I just don't know if it would have made a difference. The worst part is that we had sex, well sort of sex, _after_ I found out."

"Ohhh"

"Yeah_…_ ohhh; and we haven't talked since. This is so messed up. I don't want this to be a repeat of what happened with Liv."

"She's the other student?"

"Yes, but she was never _my_ student, she's in physics; this is worse."

"What about her? Do you think she's after something?"

For a moment Lauren didn't understand. "No! I don't think so." Bo seemed so sweet, but who knew? "The thought have crossed my mind but I don't think so_…_ Ohh god, I don't hope so."

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Again Lauren's thoughts drifted from the papers in front of her. Staring out the window but seeing nothing. She still hadn't talked to Bo and now it was almost three weeks ago… they needed to talk about it… _she_ needed them to talk about it. Maybe Bo was mad? She had every right to be. As it was now it was difficult to get anything done. Even getting through a lecture was hard_…_Thank god for all her routine at this; she almost knew the lectures by heart and certainly the academics of it. She kept looking at Bo's face in the crowd, but every time without exception Bo looked anywhere but at Lauren… If their roles were reversed Lauren would be mad; and she had to be confused. The scene had played out in her head a million times and it was no longer just about the sex… She would never be able to get past this if they didn't talk about it.

She wondered why Bo hadn't asked about her reputation? She had mentioned it twice... She shouldn't have; why had she? It wasn't like her... Even if Bo didn't ask her to her face, if she had noticed it, she would probably ask some of the other students? Someone would know something; what would she think? She probably thought it was only about Liv...? Maybe she would understand why they couldn't see each other...

Realizing the chance of finishing the notes right now was nonexistent, she decided to check her mail and then finish her work at home later… maybe go for a run…

Sorting through her mail, dealing with urgent ones first, deleting junkmail and getting a few short replies sent, she finally felt effective… Just as she was about to close her laptop a new mail popped up at the top of the list… from "BoDen".

_Can we talk? I could come by your office?_

_Bo_

Her heart suddenly beat faster and she felt lightheaded.

_Call me? Number should be in your phone_

_Lauren_

She couldn't have Bo at her office, not even to pretend she was just another student.

The buzzing of her phone surprised her. Private number… She hadn't' thought she would be this quick.

"Dr. Lewis"

"_Hey, it's me…"_

"Hey…" Even the sound of Bo's voice made her shiver.

"_I thought we should talk…? We didn't really talk after…" _ She sounded hesitant, and Lauren cringed at the thought of how Bo must have felt after Lauren left.

"No, sorry I… We should have. I know, I want to but…" How could she be so inarticulate after thinking of what to say for three weeks?

"_I can come by now? If you're not busy?"_

"No, I don't think you should come to my office, it would be better if we met somewhere else for this."

"_Ok… You could come by my place but Kenzi's home today… so__…_" Ohhh…

"Can you come to my place? I'l be home in an hour?" This was probably an extremely bad idea.

_"Sure"_

"Can you find it or…?"

"_I can, yes, see you in a bit"_

And then she hung up before Lauren had the chance to reconsider.

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This time Bo was completely determined. More determined than she had been before the first time they kissed… and at least as determined as Lauren had seemed last time. They had to talk about this but they could not do anything more. It had hurt so much… the way Lauren left; but it had also convinced her that she had to keep away from Lauren. If Lauren had been at her mouth instead of between her legs, she could have sucked her dry. She obviously couldn't control herself with Lauren.

This time they sat on Lauren's couch facing each other and Bo actually had her books and notes with her.

"Who is Kenzi...? Your boyfriend? Girlfriend?"

Bo looked at Lauren… she could swear there was hint of jealousy… no wonder, with Liv in mind. "No, no not boyfriend… nor girlfriend." Did Lauren really think she had a boyfriend?

"But you live together?" Lauren's expression was unreadable.

"Yes, But Kenzi's just my friend. We work together… no not together like that. She works for the agency I work for; actually, she got me the job. I helped her once, got her out of a bad situation. And we have been friends ever since."

"She's an escort to?"

"No she's a… She works in the administration with checking clients, doing the books and whatever needs doing, she's very versatile"

"Ohh okay."

There was an awkward silence

"Would you like something to drink? A glass of wine? "

"Sure."

Getting the wine and glasses gave her a few minutes to gather herself again before she sat down next to Bo.

"Look Bo, I'm so sorry about the way I left… last time. I just left you there… and about… I did send some very mixed signals… I shouldn't have done what I did. I'm sorry." She looked sincere, leaning forward a little. Almost taking Bo's hand.

"You did. I'm not sorry Lauren but you confuse me, you seemed so determined that we shouldn't…"

"I was." she looked away "I sometimes find it difficult to stick to my decisions… so what I mean to do and what I actually do isn't always the same… and you were very… irresistible. And again I'm really sorry." She blushed at the sudden image of how Bo had pressed against her.

"Are you sorry about what we did?" Bo had to know if she regretted the sex. She was lit up like a Christmas tree, so probably not?

"No! No, I'm not, it was even better than I'd imagined… if a little short" She sighed, blushing even more. Apparently it was the state of her face around Bo.

"Ohhh… " Bo smiled, leaning a little closer "… you imagined how it would be?" she could smell Lauren now.

"Yes" Suddenly the room seemed too hot. Looking into Bo's eyes would do that to you.

"If I remember correctly we have some unfinished business don't we?" she whispered, her voice was low and warm. In spite of her decision, Bo couldn't help flirting.

"I guess we did, but …" She could play that game too "… I've been taking care of that myself." Lauren was also leaning in closer now. So close Bo could see there were little golden specks in her warm brown eyes. Now Bo found the room too hot judging by the look on her face.

"God, Lauren…" She moaned, the images of Lauren taking care of business alone. How could Lauren affect her so much? Control… she had to control herself… distance… distance would be good. She got up from the couch and took a seat in the chair on the other side of the table. "I think we should talk before this gets out of hand again." Her hands rubbed nervously against the side of her jeans.

"Look Lauren, I understand what you meant by what you said last time and I think you're right. I'm your student and it just wouldn't be right, and I wouldn't want you to get in any more trouble… so it's probably best if we don't see each other again. I won't come to your office. I can just email you if I have questions."

"Okaaay…?" She couldn't argue with that. Bo was right and it was exactly what Lauren had asked for at first. But it wasn't what she wanted now.

"I know there is something between us but we don't have to give in to it?" She sounded very sensible but she just looked like she was trying to convince herself.

"You're right, we don't" But it would be _sooo_ hard not to…

"So let's not, okay?" Bo looked at her with relief, happy with herself for at least managing to say this. Now if only Lauren agreed… If she didn't Bo knew she didn't stand a chance.

"Okay" Lauren could work with this. The irony wasn't lost on her; first Bo wanted this and Lauren didn't , then they had sex… sort of, and now Bo didn't want it but Lauren did. She wished she hadn't rebuffed Bo that day in Bo's kitchen, she wished Bo wasn't her student, she wished she could just for once have a nice uncomplicated relationship, nothing fancy just… normal; she had wished a lot of things in her life and just when she thought she might have a chance, reality smacked her in the face, shattering her illusions.

"Okay!" Bo's relief was obvious to Lauren. Had she expected Lauren to argue?

"Okay then." She smiled at Bo, playing along with her sentiment. After these weeks of not knowing how Bo felt and if they were ever going to talk again, she would do anything to be on good terms with her. Now she just had to convince Bo that it would be possible to spend time together. She felt devious but she couldn't help it; there was no way she would let Bo just go.

"So…? How do you like the course? Do you have any questions" She smiled "Now you're here anyway we can talk about it if you like?"

"I do, but do you really have time for this?"

It turned out Bo had a lot of questions. Lauren hadn't had any idea how Bo was as a student but she found she was interested and inquisitive. She wasn't afraid to ask stupid questions and she actually listened to the answer.

"Thank you. This was great… I was kind of stuck with this."

"You're welcome." She smiled at her. "Why do you take this course? You seem older than the typical student"

"Yeah, I am… I'm just interested… Thought about taking anatomy and biochemistry later… or maybe genetics" _Cause_ _I'm trying to find out what kind of supermonsterfreak I am_.

"Oh, you should! I teach genetics too…" She hesitated "So I'd be your teacher again… great."

Bo laughed "It was just a thought, maybe I better see how this turns out first."

Lauren looked at the empty bottle of wine. It was never a good idea to drink on an empty stomach in the afternoon. "Would you like something to eat?"

"No thanks. Actually I'd better get going. I've already taken too much of your time" Bo put her notes in the bag and stood.

"No you haven't. I'm glad we talked, and again I'm sorry." She got up and stood facing Bo, the table between them.

"Don't be." Her voice was soft but her expression unreadable "Thank you. For today, I mean… it was nice… talking."

She couldn't hide a smirk "Bye Bo." and then Bo was gone again.

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Lauren reached out for the woman, putting one hand on her hip, pulling her closer. "What can I do for you?" She ran the other hand down Bo's body, between her breasts, down her stomach lingering just above her sex. "Tell me… would you like me to fuck you? Want me to use my mouth? " She whispered, leaning closer to Bo's neck. "I'll only do what you ask. Come on baby; tell me. What do you want?"

Bo was quivering; the intoxicating smell of her arousal made Lauren even more eager. "Please… Lauren… touch me" Bo pleaded "I want you to touch me… take me." She lay back on the bed leaning her weight on her elbows, legs spread, looking at Lauren. "Come and take me…" Lauren knelt between her legs and leaned over her. Finally about to feel skin against skin. She reached between Bo's legs imagining how it would feel to sink into the wet soft heat of her sex…

"BEEB BEEEEEB BEEEEEEEB…" She hit the alarm clock, groaning with frustration. She couldn't even have Bo in her dreams. Fuck this… she pulled the duvet up to her chin and reached down between her own legs. She would just enjoy this for as long as she could.


	7. Chapter 7

Thank you again for all the comments :) Sorry about the long pause, life got in the way... and a little (large) writers block

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She stared blankly at her microwave, lost in thoughts. She had forgotten how good it felt to clear the air and talk about things; it was hard when you were in the middle of it, but it felt so much better after. She had never been good at it... She remembered how it had been when she grew up... Disagreements, things that were embarrassing or awkward were never talked about; you just pretended it didn't happen and ignored the person who had done something wrong (usually Lauren or one of her siblings). She remembered so many times when she had done something deemed wrong or inappropriate by her parents, she had been ignored or worse, ridiculed, leaving her to be ashamed and confused.

She had had to work hard when she met Nadia... She was not the type to let things lie. It had been a challenge to get used to talking about things, but it had also been good and she had learned a lot with Nadia. It had been liberating to find out that it was okay to disagree and that Nadia didn't stop talking to her because she made a mistake...

Well... it was like that in the beginning... but slowly things changed between them, almost imperceptible, and she had pulled back, without even noticing. Maybe it was just because they had been together for so long and things start being routine; you forget that you have to work to keep a relationship work? She didn't know. Nadia had become more and more frustrated without Lauren even noticing. How could your girlfriend suddenly betray you like that after 6 years? And how could Lauren not notice? Why hadn't Nadia said something before it was too late?

The ding of the microwave brought her out of her memories. She pulled the plate out and took the glass of wine, placing both on the kitchen table and sat down to eat.

The relief she felt after talking to Bo was enormous. She had been able to read and prepare for classes and had noticed Liv was almost absent from her thoughts. Maybe it was true that the best way to get over one lover was to get under another… even if it was mostly in her head… She had been running regularly, drinking less and sleeping more. She had even smiled to Bo a couple of times after lectures. She was able to concentrate on work while at her office. It was still hard sometimes though, to get through lectures... She would look at Bo in spite of her intentions not to, and be distracted by her beautiful eyes, or her smile, a shiver running through her. She felt out of control, like a teenager in lust and she didn't like it... but she could live with it... at least it was better than the despair she had felt the last three weeks...

In short: life was better.

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"Sure" Bo smiled and nodded, trying to look like she was mentally present. Carly probably didn't buy it, but she was too polite to say anything.

"So...?"

"Sorry? What?" She had totally lost track of what they were talking about.

"Are you okay?" Carly was a sweet woman and she was one of Bo's first clients. At first Bo had accompanied her to work functions; strictly business, as Carly had been sure to remind Bo (and probably herself), but she hadn't been able to resist Bo's charm and for the last half year or so, she had made appointment with Bo two times a month.

"Yes, thank you. I just... I got a little distracted. Sorry. What did you say?"

"Look Bo we can call it a night if you like? If you'd rather just go home?" They had dinner at their usual restaurant and were getting ready to go to Carly's penthouse for a night of what Bo knew would be very sweaty and wild sex.

"Ohhh god no, I really don't want that; I'm okay, really" She couldn't tell Carly that she was fantasizing about Lauren and the incident on the couch.

"So then, would you like some dessert? Or should we go home now and maybe have dessert later?"

"You know I'm all for desert later" Bo smiled and covered Carly's hand with her own "Let's go; I'm hungry for something else now"

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Carly was blonde... She looked a little like Lauren, actually... but she was more uncomplicated... with Bo anyway... more straight forward. Lauren seemed to have so much hidden below the surface.

"Are you sure you're okay? Carly lifted her head and supported her weight on her elbows. She studied Bo intensely. "You seem a little different"

Bo looked up from her position between Carly's legs and shook her head "No, I'm fine. This not working for you? Should we try something else?"

This was not good. If she was so distracted that Carly could sense it, she really needed to snap out of it.

"You can talk to me Bo; I know we have a business arrangement going here, but we're both human beings and I like you a lot. If there's something wrong or something you'd like to talk about... I-"

This was new. She sensed nothing but genuine interest from the blonde. Clients often tried to get personal with Bo but usually it was just sexual interest, trying to get Bo to say they were better than others were or special to her.

"I just have a lot to think about."

"Think about in a good way or in a bad way?" She tried to sound relaxed but her concern was evident.

"In a good way"

"So you're not quitting?" Bo smiled at Carly's relief.

"No, I'm _definitely_ not quitting"

"So let's get you out of your head and get down to business" Carly smiled at Bo as she pulled her up and flipped them over.

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As Lauren came home from her evening run, her phone beeped. She took it with apprehension; Liv was the only person to ever text her. The text was short and straightforward, but still it was hard to answer. '_Can we talk_?'

She started to undress.

Of course they could talk, but did she want to? Would it end like last time? What did Liv want from her now? She sighed. Maybe she should just ignore her again? Making up her mind, she typed "Why?" and pressed send before she regretted. Leaving the phone on the table, she went into the bathroom to shower.

When the hot water hit her, she realized that somehow, for the last few weeks, showering had been associated with masturbation. Running always made her think of sex with Bo... and so did yoga... and when she woke up after dreaming of Bo all night and took a shower... That had to stop; she used far too much water that way.

She turned the water of and wrapped her hair in a towel. Despite not masturbating, she felt relaxed and alert. Maybe she could read a few of the articles that waited for her at her desk, about free radicals... Actually, she had a few new ideas for the research she did once... If she would ever get the chance to work in that area again... Or maybe she should go to bed early and do what she didn't do in the shower...

A knock at the door caught her attention just as she wrapped herself in a large towel.

Shit... her gut told her it was Liv, or maybe it was just that Liv was the only person to ever visit her unannounced.

She opened the door slowly, only letting her head show "Hey"

"Can I come in?"

"We don't really have any more to say to each other, do we?"

"Please?"

Against her better judgement, she opened the door and let Liv in. "Okay? Did you have something particular to say or did you just want to talk?" She cringed at the hard edge to her own voice.

Liv took of her jacket and sat down on the couch.

Lauren couldn't help smiling. Liv wasn't easily discouraged. She wanted to see Lauren, so she turned up at her door... It was partly this quality that had intrigued Lauren in the beginning. She remembered how Liv had persisted in talking to her in the café at uni, how she had 'accidentally' met her time and time again until Lauren had agreed to have coffee with her.

"I broke up with Randal..." The girl bit her lip and looked down.

"Ohh, Liv I'm sorry. When?"

"We broke it of just before my birthday"

"But that was... Why didn't you tell me sooner? That was before we..." That was before last time she came by, when they ended up having sex.

"You didn't answer my calls."

"You know what I mean Liv; you could have told me last time."

"I just wanted things to be normal between us... I... and then you asked me to leave"

"Normal!? There is no 'us' anymore Liv". So now Liv was single? She tried to imagine how things would have been when they were together... the dynamics of their relationship was defined by the fact, that Liv was unavailable for anything but sex.

Liv squeezed her eyes shut and sighed "I _know_!"

"Why did you break up?" She sat down on the couch next to Liv.

"I couldn't live like that anymore. I was going crazy knowing that the rest of my life would be... I got tired of trying to convince myself that I'm bi. I want something else" Her voice was shaking and she blushed as she looked at Lauren.

"How did Randal... what did he say?"

"He blames you" She buried her face in her hands.

"You never told him how we met, did you?" She smiled again; this was so typical of Liv.

"No, there's no point in hurting him more" She sighed deeply "I have hurt him so much already... and you. I'm sorry Lauren"

"It's okay... No, it's not but... it hurt because I cared about you Liv. I _do_ care about you." She reached out to tuck a few strands of auburn hair back behind Liv's cute little ear, fingers lingering a moment at her cheek "Have you found a place to stay? Or did he move out?"

"I moved in with my sister till I find a place." She leaned back in the couch, resting her head on the back "I'm sorry about the things I said to you. I didn't mean any of it... I think I was angry that what we had, was taken away from me. I only felt sane when I was with you"

Lauren turned towards Liv, moved to sit sideways, tugging one leg under her. "It wasn't taken away Liv. _You_ broke things off with me."

"At the time it felt that way to me. I'm sorry" She rubbed her face with her hands "God how I've made a mess of things"

"Liv..." She reached out and gently took her wrist, pulling her hand away from her face.

"Can you forgive me Lauren?"

Could she? Lauren's mind instantly started to list pros and cons, and she was paralyzed for a moment. Until Liv covered the hand holding her wrist with her own "Snap out of it Lauren, you don't have to think so hard about it now. I'm just trying to apologize" There was a moment of silence. Lauren could feel how the tension between them changed.

"How are things with you? Still single?" The last two words were so filled with unspoken questions.

"Why didn't you tell me you'd broken up last time?"

"I wasn't sure you'd sleep with me if I told you"

"Was that why you came?" She already knew

"We are so good together Laur. I know you don't feel the same way anymore, but we _are!_" She held her breath as she reached up to tug on the snip of towel holding the ends of Lauren's towel together.

The towel slipped open slowly, revealing Lauren to Liv "You are so beautiful Laur... how could I ever walk away from you" She let the back of her fingers caress Lauren's neck and chest. The touch instantly made Lauren's nipples tighten. She closed her eyes, trying in vain to hide her arousal. Liv could read her better than anyone. She should pull the towel back up, she should get up and send Liv home... but she just moaned and straddled Liv, giving in to her lust and the insistent throbbing in her sex.

"""""""""

"Who is she?"

"It still doesn't matter"

"You're hot for her but you're not together, is that how it is?" she turned on her side, letting a finger slide down Lauren's stomach.

"Yes"

"So you're horny and I reap the benefits of your... crush?" She let the finger slide lower, along the crease of a thigh, into the sticky heat between Lauren's thighs, making goose-bumps break out.

"Are you complaining?"

"A little. I wish it was me you wanted"

"Sorry, but we were _always_ just about sex Liv. Nothing much has changed, has it?" But it had; she knew and Liv knew.

Liv turned closer, pressing her body into Lauren's, letting her face rest against her neck and shoulder. Lauren pulled the blankets up to cover their bodies against the cool of the bedroom. She wrapped her arms around Liv.

"Everything has changed Laur. Because I'm a fool"

"""""

"""""""""""""

"""""

Two weeks after their last talk Bo caved again...

_Can I talk with you? Maybe come see you? I have some questions._

_If you want I can try to mail it to you, but it would be better if I could just ask you face to face?_

_Bo_

Lauren stared blankly at her computer screen. Yes, she could come… Lauren would love Bo to… come. She blushed at her own thoughts… again.

_Sure. Tomorrow 4 pm? My place? _

_L_

Tomorrow was Saturday, it was short notice. Maybe Bo had plans..?

But apparently not cause minutes later she got a reply:

_ Deal __ B_

Though she tried to contain her excitement, she almost skipped all the way home.

Okay… how to do this? She wanted to get the most out of their meeting without scaring Bo away. 4 o'clock was late enough that it wouldn't be weird if she suggested something to eat when they had talked about whatever Bo wanted to ask her… then maybe some wine… and if she could get Bo talking… they might spend the whole evening enjoying themselves even if they were only talking.

Saturday morning she went for a run. Then she cleaned the apartment, and went shopping for food at the whole foods market. She didn't know what Bo liked so she got several different dishes. Thank god for a big freezer. When she got home, she baked two different kinds of muffins, took another shower and tried on several different outfits before she realized what she was doing. This was ridiculous. This was _not_ a date and she was 36 years old not 16. There was no need to get so excited… Bo might only be here for half an hour… So she put on jeans and an old tight grey tank top under an equally old dark pink favorite button down shirt. She left the shirt open, going for the casual and, she hoped, slightly sexy, look… a girl can dream right?

"""""""""""""

Bo was running late. She had scheduled an appointment at 1 pm so she wouldn't be to hungry when she was with Lauren, but it had taken far longer than she had expected, and now she raced home to shower.

"""""""""""""

At 10 past 4, Lauren was convinced Bo wouldn't come, though she knew 10 minutes was nothing. But then there was a knock on the door and Bo was there, totally out of breath and slightly sweaty.

"Hey" She was breathtakingly beautiful, all in black like the first time they met: tight black jeans and a simple black t-shirt tight in all the right places. Hair loose and a little messy.

"Hey. Sorry I'm late."

"That's ok. You look like you have been running?"

"Yeah, I don't know where time went." Now she was here she wasn't sure this was a good idea. Lauren was so beautiful and sexy in a totally girl next-door way… Bo had always had a thing for women in tight tank tops. And Lauren's energy was way too high for comfort. Maybe this was a mistake? She felt like a hungry dog standing two feet away from a steak, being told not to move.

"Come on in" She could feel Laurens eyes on her as she walked into the living room, putting down her bag at the couch.

"Want some coffee? Or tea? I made muffins?"

Just as last time it was easy and nice to talk about Bo's questions. Lauren relaxed and let herself enjoy explaining some of the finer points of the endocrine system.

"You know this is like having my own private professor." Bo smiled at her and suddenly Lauren remembered why she had been nervous before.

"It's the least I can do when I've asked you not to come see me at my office."

"I could mail you instead. "

"Yeah but this is easier, don't you think? Really Bo it's not a problem. You're welcome here anytime."

"Thanks" _Anytime?_

"Have you considered finding someone to study with? It's usually a good idea; people understand different things and can explain things to each other."

"Well I thought about it at first, but I don't really fit in with the party crowd… Most of them are very young." _And I don't want them to know about me._

"Yes, they are" Lauren couldn't picture Bo in a study group. The boys wouldn't be able to concentrate around Bo, and probably most of the girls to; just out of puberty they were all walking hormones. "I see what you mean."

"Why did you start studying now? Why not earlier?" Lauren had tucked her legs under her, and sat facing Bo, one arm along the back of the couch.

"I left home before I finished high school, so it wasn't an option then." Bo was mirroring her position, minus the arm.

"Where did you go? When you left home?"

"I moved around for a while looking for a place I liked; school wasn't a priority unfortunately" And she had been trying not to get caught killing people. "But what about you? You're a teacher _and_ a doctor?" It was time to change the subject.

Lauren cringed at the thought of their meeting at the clinic. "Aren't you getting hungry?"

_How did she know? _

"… would you like something to eat?" _Ohhh… Yes she would. So much for not seeing each other anymore._

"I would love to stay, but I think I've already taken too much of your time" She put her papers and notebook in her bag.

"You haven't, please stay Bo." Though she was unsure of what they were doing and what Bo wanted, this was an opportunity to talk.

"Okay, thanks"

"I'll cook then…" She said with a smirk, while she went into the kitchen "…is lasagna okay?"

"Wait… you're cooking lasagna now?" Bo couldn't believe it, she'd imagined getting a pizza delivered or something like that. She hurried after Lauren over to the kitchen. "You shouldn't start all that for me" Didn't lasagna involve a lot of different things?

Lauren laughed "Relax, it's just for the microwave." _I would love to cook for you though_ "I'm just making a salad. Red wine okay? Could you grab the glasses?"

"Sure"

They ate at the small table in the kitchen sitting so close their knees almost touched.

"So? Are we okay? I mean I said we shouldn't see each other anymore and then I ask to see you"

"Yeah, you did. Did you change your mind?"

"No, I don't think so, but I missed you. I still think it would probably be best if we didn't see each other" She put her fork down "That was what you wanted too, before… ehh… you came back for your phone"

"I know." Bo missed her?

"You changed your mind?"

"When I saw you at the co-" _Not until I saw you bending over the couch…_

"No, I mean this, now, are you okay with this?" She circled her fork in the space between them "Us, like this?"

Lauren didn't know what to say? The truth was that she wanted to spend as much time with Bo as possible, so she could work on seducing her; but she couldn't tell Bo that. Bo would leave and stay away, so the truth was not an option.

"I am, I think." Maybe being vague was the best option… or not… "I don't know Bo, we talk, and I haven't… tried to ravish you yet…" _Please say you want me to…_"but nothing has changed really." She looked at Bo, searching her face for a clue of what Bo felt. She thought Bo was attracted to her; no she _knew_ she was, but she was insecure none the less. What did she want in the long run?

Bo looked at Lauren hopefully. Laurens energy was blinding sometimes and Bo knew she was probably struggling not to show how attracted she was; she felt cruel to put Lauren through this but at the same time she loved being around her and soak up all that sexual energy. "I really want us to be friends Lauren. If we can?"

"Okay" If that was what Bo wanted… It would give both of them time to find out how they felt, and it would give her time to seduce Bo. Again she felt devious thinking like this, but she couldn't help it; she _could_ not lose Bo now.

"I think we can, we can try at least, right?" She smiled.

"""""""

After dinner, they moved to the couch with another bottle of wine.

"Tell me more about Kenzi, you said she got you the job?" They were both sitting on the couch, at a respectable distance.

"Well we met when I'd just moved to Toronto. I was out one evening and I saw this small, skinny girl try to convince some greasy business type guy that he should leave her alone. He was really obnoxious and I sort of gave her a hand with him. We've been friends since." She didn't tell Lauren that the guy had tried to rape Kenzi, after he had caught her stealing his wallet and that she'd almost sucked him dry. "I didn't know anybody here and didn't have a job yet so…" She took a sip of wine "…when she told me where she worked, I decided to give it a try." she looked at Lauren with a smirk "I _really_ like sex."

Ohh god… was she flirting again? Lauren suddenly felt uncomfortably warm "What if it's someone you really don't like? Can you say no?" The thought of Bo having sex with some greasy creep was making Lauren nauseous.

"Yes, I can say no, but the agency is very good at matching us with the clients, and it's usually quite… how can I put it? Classy clients; and I'm really expensive."

"Ohh." Lauren didn't know what to say, she regretted asking about it. The thought of Bo with other people made her uncomfortable, though she had no right to be jealous. She poured both of them another glass of wine.

Lauren was blushing so hard and looking so uncomfortable Bo decided to end her misery "Anyway, it pays well, so Kenzi and I got an apartment together. She's my best friend and I really enjoy living with her."

"""""""""""""""

"What about you? You live alone? How long have you been a teaching at TU?"

"This is my sixth... no seventh..? year" _Wow, time goes fast when you're miserable_

"Do you like it?"

"Sometimes"

"Why only sometimes?"

"I used to be in research, I miss it" She swirled the wine in her glass and put it back on the table.

"But you're also a doctor?"

"Yes, but I was mostly doing research. Not so much work with patients"

"Why did you stop?" Bo's inquisitive eyes didn't leave her for a second.

Lauren couldn't answer that now, like this. "You _are_ curious aren't you?" She smiled at Bo and played with the seam of her jeans leg. Suddenly the atmosphere was different, the room seemed quiet and Bo was sitting very close.

Bo could sense Laurens reluctance, apparently Lauren didn't want to talk about herself either "It's' to personal? Sorry. I want to get to know you"

"Maybe I'll tell you later. Okay?"

"Okay. Tell me something else then?" Bo just wanted to know something, anything.

"Okay." She looked away for a moment "After my residency I went to Afghanistan for a while, with the army."

"Ohh" That was a surprise. Lauren seemed so delicate somehow. It made Bo want to take care of her. But looks could be deceiving. She realized Lauren was more than capable of taking care of herself.

"When I came back I got a job at a research lab here in Toronto. I was lucky. It was exactly what I wanted."

"Research?"

"Yeah, I'm in it for the science." She smiled

"Ohhh. Kinky" Bo's eyebrow twitched upwards suggestively.

Lauren had to laugh "I wish. It was basic research aimed at developing drugs to treat cardiovascular disease, not kinky at all."

""""""""""""""""

Somehow, they had inched closer to each other during the evening. First, their knees touched, then Bo's arm along the back of the couch started playing with Laurens hair. Later when Lauren came back from the bathroom, Bo had stretched her legs out on the couch, and Lauren just lifted them and slid under, putting her hand on Bo's thigh just over the knee.

The bottle was empty. Lauren had an internal argument with herself, if she should ask Bo if she wanted more or maybe a cup of coffee. Bo would probably take the opportunity to get up, say goodnight and go home. She didn't want Bo to leave and she was almost certain she could talk her into staying… but it would be better for Laurens long-term plan if she went home tonight... maybe in a month or two depending on how often they would meet.

"What?" Somehow she had missed what Bo said.

Lauren seemed distant for a moment and Bo thought she might be tired "It's late, I better get home"

"Are you driving?" Lauren was still tempted, and Bo had had far too much to drink to be able to drive.

"Yes, but I'll take a cab, I can pick up the car tomorrow"

"You can stay if you like?" At the look in Bo's eyes Lauren smiled and quickly added "No, no not like that, I'll take the couch."

"Ohhh no, no, trust me Lauren, I really should go home" Bo's smirk told Lauren that they were probably thinking the same.

Lauren closed the door behind Bo and leaned her forehead against its cool surface for a moment. She only had one thought on her mind. Sitting close like that all night, touching, looking into her eyes. She went straight for the bedroom, undressing on the way.

""""""""

Bo didn't fare much better. Being close like that was torture, sweet torture, and she would love to endure it again, but still torture. Laurens scent was the worst part... she smelled so unbelievably good... Bo wanted to bury her face in her hair... and against her neck... ohhh... and in her sex... and the sound of her voice... soft and... soft... and when she moaned... she had no words... There was only one thing to do... Where was the nearest nightclub?

"""""""""

""""""""""""""""""

""

"Bo! Bo! BO!" Kenzi was not a very patient person and Bo had slept long enough. She had something to tell Bo and she wanted to tell it _now_. She sat on her knees at the edge of Bo's bed.

"God, Kenzi? What the hell?" Bo was not a morning person. And she got home late last night. And she dreamed of Lauren. She pulled the blanket over her head, turning her back on Kenzi.

"BO!" Kenzi pulled the blanket of Bo with a snap.

She sat up abruptly and glared at Kenzi "WHAT?!"

"Whoa, there; no need to flash me" She covered her eyes with her hand

"Ohh come on, there's nothing here you haven't seen plenty of times." She wiggled her naked chest and arched against Kenzi

"So what's so urgent you had to wake me at...? What time is it? I've only been sleeping like five minutes! " It felt like she had only slept a few hours.

"I totally _have_ to tell you something. You know that guy I told you about? Nate from back home?"

"You never told me his name"

"I met him last night, he played at 'The Last Call'? He's just so _cute._ And he remembered me. We talked after his set. And he's so cute.!"

"So you say" Bo smiled at Kenzi's enthusiasm; how could a street smart, tough girl with an attitude like Kenzi fall for sweet boys with guitars like that? Kenzi didn't look particularly tough at the moment though; she was wearing her favorite road runner pj's and wool socks. She looked like a kid on Christmas morning. It was good to see her so happy for once.

"When did you get home?" She looked so perky, that was not a morning thing for Kenzi.

"An hour ago I think; I couldn't sleep"

"Ohh god, Kenzi! Did you have to wake me up too? Come down here and tell me all about him while you fall asleep"

She started slipping her legs under the blanket "No funny business, okay?"

"Okay! Your virtue is safe with me, no, wait... that's too late" She laughed and wrapped her arm around Kenzi's stomach.

"Ha, ha, ha funny. If you don't behave I'll hook you up with Dennis the menace next time he calls." This was the ultimate threat. He called the agency regularly and was always turned down, because he was simply the most obnoxious person Kenzi had ever met.

"You wouldn't!?"

"Not if your behave. And can we please return to my news. Did I tell you how cute he is?"

"Maybe once." The ironi was lost on Kenzi

"I used to spy on him when I was a kid. He always played the guitar in his underwear. I used to send him notes."

"How old were you?"

"Maybe six, seven. It was before... you know" She paused

"Are you gonna see him again?"

"Tomorrow; he's playing again. Oh, shit it's tonight, today!" She groaned "I have to sleep! Fuck! Tell me something boring. How did your date with Prof. Doc. go? I assume it went well since you apparently came home late?"

"It _wasn't_ a date! And I went out after, that's why I was in late; but yes it went well, very well. She's amazing... I don't know how to describe it; she's just... amazing."

"You didn't jump her?" Kenzi turned on her stomach, chin in her hand. "Good for you! But what about the whole 'you being you'-thing. Are you gonna tell her? Or show her I mean?"

"Not if I can help it. At least not yet. I want us to get past the issue of her being my teacher first. If we can. No need to tell her unless it's necessary."

Kenzi let her head rest on Bo's chest. She was getting sleepy. Finally. "See? Your boring tales of Prof. Doc. are putting me to sleep. Nice Bo" She curled up to Bo, closing her eyes. "Goodnight Bobo"

"""""""

"""""""""""""""""

""""""""

When Lauren woke up Sunday morning, she was a little sore in a few places and very relaxed, if a little frustrated. When just _fantasizing _about Bo was this good... actual 'in a bed and not in a hurry'- lovemaking with Bo would be amazing, she was sure of that... Bo could be asleep; it would still be amazing sex.

Her day was surprisingly productive and she succeeded in getting most of her work done for once. Not until her run in the evening, did she allow her mind to wander... There was no way they would be able to keep ignoring the attraction between them... surely Bo must feel it to? Or maybe she didn't... or not as much as Lauren maybe...? Ohhh...? Suddenly it didn't feel so good anymore. Was this all in her head? No, there was no doubt Bo felt it too... maybe she just had amazing self-control...? So many times last night Lauren could swear she'd seen something in Bo's eyes... and the way she'd played with Laurens hair... she'd even touched the nape of her neck at one time... the memory sent chills down Laurens back. And Lauren's hand had gone a little too far up the leg of Bo's jeans... She couldn't sit through that again and not do something about it... She had to convince Bo or she would go mad... She was about to go mad right now actually... Her nipples were extra sensitive, her sex was heavy with arousal, and every step reminded her of it. She slowed to a walk and headed home.

The cold shower did very little to relieve her tension, instead it made her skin even more sensitive and her sex was still burning... seriously who invented this stupid idea? She adjusted the water, spread her legs and braced herself against the wall in her shower, forgetting all about her decision not to masturbate in the shower.

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	8. Chapter 8

A/N Thank you all for all the comments :) I really appreciate it. There is a lot of talking in this chapter, I wanted them to get a chance to talk, since they never seem to talk in the show (or maybe it happens of-screen?) Enjoy

* * *

This time it only took a week before Lauren got a mail from Bo

_Hey_

_Bla Bla Bla _

_the usual? Sorry_

_B_

It made her laugh and she tried to answer in the same spirit

_Love to. _

_Same as last?_

_L_

The response was immediate as always

_I'll bring the wine_

_B_

Bo closed the laptop and leaned back against the back of the couch, eyes closed. It was the same spot where Lauren had taken her, that first (and only) time. She remembered how Lauren's hair had caressed her thighs and how soon it had been over… far too soon. She had wanted to take Lauren to bed, take her time, and love her slowly, savoring all the sensations. No doubt Lauren would taste amazing… she-

"Hey Wondersnatch! Are you daydreaming again?" Kenzi snapped her out of her haze. "The hot teacher again?"

Bo smiled "Yeah, tomorrow, her place, but it's just to talk about the liver…" She sounded so ingenuous Kenzi had to look at her again.

"Really!? Seriously Bo, for two people that agree they have very good reasons to avoid each other, you and the prof hang out _a lot_…" She sat down next to Bo.

"I know." She did. But she couldn't keep away. And It went_ well_. They didn't do anything they shouldn't. She hadn't told Kenzi about the couch incident. She would give her hell about it because they had strict rules about sex on shared things… like couch and kitchen table… and because she would tell Bo that it was only a matter of time before things would get out of hand. And she would be right.

"Well as long as you know what you're doing."

"I'm sorry if I gave you that impression cause I don't, I really don't Kenz." She looked at Kenzi "I've never felt like this before."

"Girl, you need some advice and TLC. If you don't have work tonight how about we take a girls night in with vodka, ice cream and a movie?"

"Deal!" Just what she needed.

"I can give you advice from my vast experience of one relationships, how does that sound?"

"Fabulous… You get the vodka… I'll change and get the ice cream."

It turned out that Kenzi's 'advice' consisted mostly of vodka shots and by the time the bottle was empty Bo had told Kenzi everything about her and Lauren; including the couch incident.

""""""""

"""""""""""""

"""

This morning went better than last Saturday. She did her sun salutations, ate breakfast and went shopping. This time she would cook something… but what... Sushi was sexy but she didn't have the time… and maybe Bo didn't like it? Something with vegetables maybe… She wandered round the food market for a long time before she decided on pasta; it was easy and she could make the sauce in advance. And then maybe something for dessert? Fruit…? And something creamy… ohhh yeah… And chocolate…

"Excuse me, ma'am? Are you okay? Ma'am?"

She blinked and looked at the young man in front of her. The question was directed at her, and she realized she was standing still in the aisle, drooling, with a cantaloupe in her hand. Blushing she finished her shopping and went home to prepare. She would only have to boil the pasta later, before they ate.

""""""""

Bo was early.

It was easier this time. The tension was almost gone and had been replaced by a feeling of closeness, almost intimacy.

"So, what can I help you with?" Lauren asked with a smile as they sat down at Lauren's desk.

She didn't really have any questions; it's amazing what having a crush on your teacher will do for the effort you put into your studying. She just looked at Lauren trying to remember the questions she had memorized.

As Lauren talked, Bo looked at her lips. She never imagined that words like 'gluconeogenesis' or 'hepatocyte' could be sexy. But when they were said in Lauren's voice, eager with excitement about Bo's interest, they were. Lauren ran one hand through her hair, trying to get it out of her face. A few strands fell back and lingered just at the side of her mouth. Exactly where Bo would like to start kissing her.

Bo seemed strangely fumbling in her questions today. She took of her reading glasses and focused on Bo "You don't really have any questions do you?"

Blushing she tried to come up with a good answer. "I like to hear you talk..?" The blush had now reached her ears.

"I know you're good at this Bo, if you want to get away with pretending to need help, you will have to come up with some better questions okay?" Lauren reached out to squeeze her hand. "I'm happy that you are here; I told you! You don't have to pretend." Maybe this would be easier than she thought.

"Okay?" God, this was embarrassing.

Awkward Bo was adorable. In an effort to hide her smile Lauren leaned back in her chair, stretching. "Do you want something? Coffee? Wine? Are you hungry, or is it too soon"

"I could definitely eat something."

"""""""""""""""

Bo was obviously enjoying her food, and Lauren enjoyed Bo. There was a warm feeling in her chest that had nothing to do with lust.

"God Lauren, this is so _good_!" Bo was slurping the pasta "I can't even remember the last time someone cooked for me."

"I'm glad you like it."

"I do" She looked up at Lauren for a long moment "You are so sweet, Lauren I... thank you."

"You're welcome" She blushed. She had to break the intense moment or she might, again, say something she shouldn't "You have to leave some room for dessert."

"Ohhh god... there's dessert to?"

"Hmmm, if you want some?"

"Are you kidding? I would love some, but could we wait a little? I'm to full now; you should have warned me earlier."She groaned. "I think the last time I had a home cooked meal was before I left home."

"Really...? How long ago is that?"

"A long time. I'm sorry I can't cook... Kenzi's no good at it either."

"Don't you miss it?"

"Sometimes, but I've grown accustomed to take out I guess" _And there's the added bonus of yummy delivery guys and girls_

"By the way, do you like sushi?" Lauren asked without thinking.

"Yeah, I love it, why?"

"Ohh I just ehhh... wondered; thought I might make it for you sometime; if you want?"

"You can really do that? I would love it."

"""""""""

They had moved to the couch, taking the wine with them; and somehow the conversation was again on Lauren, though she had tried to make it about Bo more than once.

"... so when I came out, it was like they never even tried to understand, they just gave up; maybe they thought they'd never understand. It was as if we became strangers; I lost them then. They didn't even seem happy when things started going well for me. It was as if they had decided to just cut their losses and concentrate on my brother and sister. In retrospect, I think maybe they were afraid to ask me about it. We tend to shy away from any kind of conflict or confrontation in my family" She smiled at her own phrase. That was the mother of all understatements. Truth was they were terrified of conflict.

"Didn't things go well for you before?"

"No not always. I was bullied in school. Do you want some dessert now?"

"Oh yes please..." Okay, she didn't want to talk about it. Bo would ask again later.

They were eating their dessert. Fruit, cream, chocolate sauce... It was good, but Lauren would rather lick it of Bo.

"Tell me more about when you were in school."

"You don't give up do you?"

"I want to get to know you... I told you so."

"Yes, you did but I'd like to retain just a little bit of mystery... Can I ask _you_ something? I mean without you immediately making it about me again?"

Bo nodded but looked mildly uncomfortable.

"The night we met you said you were no good at relationships and that you had never been dumped."

"Hmmm."

"You mean you have never been in a relationship?"

"No, not since I ran away from home."

This was new. "So you had one when you lived at home?"

"Yes, but..."

"High school sweethearts?"

Bo only nodded, panic slowly setting in.

"Tell me about him? Her?"

"It's..." _He was my first kill _"I was miss cherry blossom and he was on the football team, it was just a typical teenage high school thing. Not a serious relationship."

"But you didn't break up?"

"Now who doesn't give up?" She was playing with fire here, how could she let this get so far? Her instinct of survival told her she had to get away, had to stop this now.

"I wan't to get to know you too... miss Cherry Blossom?" She grinned.

"Touche. And now it's my turn. Do you have any sisters or brothers?" And so she stayed here, against all reason, talking with Lauren.

"One of each."

"Younger or older?"

"My sister is younger, my brother is older."

"Are you close?"

"No."

"Why?" Bo leaned on the back of the couch moving slightly closer.

"Ohhh... I don't know exactly..." She shrugged like it was no big deal, but it was, and she knew exactly why they weren't close "For a lot of reasons... usual sibling rivalry mostly... but there's also the gay-issue... and the 'she is still single'-issue and 'her girlfriend ruined her career and ran away and died'-issue and 'she became slightly crazy'-issue..." She looked at Bo. "And now it's about me again..."

"Wow, that's a lot of... issues... tell me about it" What the hell? _'girlfriend ran away and died'... 'slightly crazy'_? There was so much she didn't know about Lauren and would like to know. She put her plate down on the table and reached out to run the back of her fingers over Lauren's cheek.

She blushed and looked down "I don't really know where to begin."

"Start at the beginning, at school. You must have been cute when you were a girl… big brown eyes and always asking super clever questions in class?"

"Ohhh no, I was the geek, the skinny girl with glasses, and still no boobs when everyone else had, I was good at math and science, and I was awkward, had no friends. I was bullied quite a lot." That was one more huge understatement. She paused to take a sip of wine.

"Go on?"

"It started when I was about 8 or 9. We moved and I had to start in a new, bigger school. I was shy and kept to myself. Suddenly I noticed that the other kids talked about me behind my back. When I passed a group of kids they would whisper and giggle."

"Didn't you have any friends? What about your brother?"

"No, not at first. It was a big school. I never really got to know anybody. My brother went to the same school but he ignored me completely, there was absolutely no help from his side. And the bullying just continued. After a while, I tried to ignore it… That was probably a faulty strategy. It became a sport for them to get a reaction from me. It just got worse and worse."

"Ohh, Lauren. Didn't you tell someone?"

"Of course I should have, but I didn't. We had moved because my mother lost her job, and we had to move to a city where there were more opportunities for her. It was hard on my parents and I didn't want to add to their problems."

"What did you do?" Her hand had moved to the back of Lauren's neck, playing with a the soft hairs there.

"Eventually I met a few other outcasts; that helped. And I got older and was able to process it intellectually. Luckily, I was good at most subjects all through school. That was what I had; you know _'you may be popular but I'm intelligent'._ It was the _only_ advantage I had, so I did my best to keep it; and I had no real friends to spend my time with, so I had plenty of time to study."

"I can't imagine what it's like to be bullied like that." She would have just beat the crap out of them.

"It wasn't all of my classmates that bullied me, most of them just looked on and did nothing; but it… this is hard to explain." She closed her eyes for a moment, thinking. "After a while I felt that there was something wrong with me, that I was faulty in some way and therefore deserved to be treated like that. And because it was my own fault I couldn't tell anyone, because then they would know there was something _wrong with me_… I was ashamed of myself. And then I decided that other people didn't interest me and that I wouldn't care about anyone anymore. When I look back at it now that was the worst part. I never tried to make friends in school anymore. And consequently I never really learned how." She was quiet for a moment. She had never told anyone this much about it before; not even Nadia. "Okay that got heavy; I'm sorry."

Bo had to fight the urge to give her a hug. "Was it like that all through school?"

"No, we moved again later, so I changed schools again when I started high school. It was much better there, but it took a few years before I had the courage to believe that people really meant it, when they treated me well… " There was a lot more she would like to tell Bo about that time… maybe another time… She smiled "High school was also where I met my first girlfriend. And things got even better when I went to uni. Suddenly it was hot to be intelligent. And I had boobs by then." She laughed.

"And that was a lot about me. Again."

"""""""""""""

"I remember it always being sunshine, playing out in the yard with my friends, in the fields. I liked school; I guess I was popular, though I didn't think about it at the time. And not to bad a pupil… I think."

"I can imagine you like that… The girl everybody wanted to be friends with…" Without knowing it her hand played with the leg of Bo's jeans; not until she felt the smooth skin of her calf did she realize what she was doing. Slowly she pulled her hand out and placed it on her own thigh.

"As far as I remember we were all friends most of the time. It was a small school; everybody knew everybody and their family. A typical small town. But it was also very religious. The church was the social hub of the town. And sometimes there was a very dark mood. Life was a serious matter and you'd better not enjoy it. Sex for fun was a big no-no."

"Ohhh, bummer huh?" She raised her eyebrow at Bo.

Bo laughed "Yeah, but it wasn't until I neared my teens I even thought about it; not that I was aware of, at least. But when I hit puberty... well it certainly played a role in my leaving town."

""""""""

"Why did you join the army?" Bo had wanted to ask that since Lauren told about being in Afghanistan. It seemed so not like Lauren.

"I didn't join; I worked _with_ the army, as a civilian. I could never be a soldier, but they really needed medical personnel."

"I couldn't imagine you as a soldier; you seem more like the 'I'm a lover not a fighter' type."

"Hmmm, you think?" _Lover..._ "I just wanted to help and get some experience before I went into research."

"How long were you there?"

"A year. It felt like a lifetime and at the same time, it went by so fast. To say it was hard is just... it was gruesome, but also rewarding in so many ways. I wouldn't have been without it but I also sometimes wish I hadn't been there. Does that make sense?" She never could find the right words to describe it. The experience had changed her in so many ways. She was young and impressionable, and though she had already seen some of the things people could do to hurt each other, she would never, even in her worst nightmares, have been able to imagine that humans could treat other humans like that. It was impossible to realize, not just _know_, but to really realize, something like that without being changed.

"Yes... I think I understand" They sat in silence for a while, Bo absently caressing Lauren's legs, running her hands over her knees.

"""""""""""

"I know I have already asked about this... but could you tell me about being an escort? If it's okay I mean...? Seriously, only if you want to? If it's too personal I understand." It was hard to ask, she wanted to know but maybe Bo didn't want her to know the details? Thought she hadn't seemed shy about it so far.

"Does it bother you" She already knew it did... it was obvious from the way she asked.

"Yes... and before you say anything, I know I have no right to be jealous but I am... a little. " She blushed furiously when she realized what that statement implied. "I think we need more wine for this." In the kitchen, she stood for a moment, with her back to Bo, taking deep breaths and trying to get a grip on her emotions.

"Lauren... I'm sorry that you're jealous, but I also like it that you are, a little. Sorry..."

"You like it?" Well, now they were even in a way. She sat down and poured each of them a glass of wine.

"I would be jealous if the situation was reversed... But I don't know what to tell you... I could say that you have nothing to be jealous about, because I don't feel anything for any of my clients..." This wasn't true; she cared a lot about a few of her client's, but it was nothing compared to what she felt for Lauren, so a little white lie seemed justified "...but since we're trying to be just friends I probably shouldn't say that?"

"No you probably shouldn't... but if you did I would thank you..."

"And you would be welcome. So what do you want to know?"

"You're with an agency? Is it your own decision if you want to be with any given client or don't you have a say in the matter?"

"The agency screens all the clients. That' actually Kenzi's job mostly. And by now I know all my clients, I don't get new ones anymore, unless I want to. And I have said no to a few along the way, actually. Mostly because we didn't really... have chemistry... or there was no sympathy between us." And a few had been unpleasant; plain and simple.

Lauren was relieved "So you always know who you're... ehh... who you'll be with, in advance?"

"Yes."

"Isn't it exhausting?"

"No, as I already told you I _love_ sex." Maybe now Lauren thought she was a nymphomaniac. Well she was in a way.

"So do I... but still" It almost looked like Lauren squirmed with discomfort.

"Are you sure you want to talk about this?"

"Yes, I would really like to know how it is for you. Do you... ehhh you say you love sex but do you get... I mean... do you...?"

"You want to know if I get off? If i'm just pretending or if I really come?"

Lauren only nodded, blushing again.

Bo couldn't believe how cute Lauren was sometimes, an adorable mix of shy and disillusioned. One moment she would say something about not trusting anybody or everybody having ulterior motives and the next, she would be flustered about something sexual like this, or about some joke or sexual innuendo Bo would make.  
"I do... sometimes it's better than other times of course... and I always have to focus on making it good for the client." This was as honest as she could be.

Lauren wanted to ask what she did with the clients, but it was already so painful to think about Bo having fun and satisfying sex with other people; it was better than thinking about her with gross, creepy strangers she didn't know or like, but it was just as painful. "Okay... I just needed to know that you are okay when you work. I was worried... I guess."

Ohh. "Lauren I'm _not_ a victim in any way in this, okay? I have no clue about how other escorts feel about themselves, but I'm not a victim, please trust me."

"Okay, it's just... I'm sorry, it's my clueless notions about sexworkers that-"

How could she make Lauren understand without telling too much? "Haven't you ever had sex with someone you didn't know?"

"Ohhh yes" No need to elaborate.

"So? I just get paid!"

"You have a point." She emptied her glass before asking the next question "Do you sleep with both men and women?"

She just got a slight nod.

"Is that just for work or are you bi?" This, she _really_ wanted to know.

"You don't let me off easy do you? But yes, I am, I guess." She thought about it "It's never been something I thought about to be honest, I just love sex and I'm attracted to people; I never really understood the need to define yourself like that."

Lauren wasn't entirely sure she agreed but she couldn't organize her thoughts enough to formulate an answer.

"I think we've talked enough about me and my sex life for now, don't you?" She looked at Lauren. Slowly a smile grew and she got a mischievous glint in her eyes.

Lauren shook her head "Ohh no, no! There's nothing about my sex life, that you could possibly find exciting. More wine?" She moved to get up but Bo placed her hand on her thigh, holding her back.

"Come on Lauren, why is it only me that gets grilled like that? I want to know you too, remember?"

She sighed, "Okay, what do you want to know?" She held up her hand to stop Bo "But let me get the wine first"

When Lauren came back, she sat down with her back against the armrest and stretched her legs over Bo's thighs again.

"So? What do you want to know?"

"Okay. Tell me about your first time with a girl"

"And you said _I_ didn't let _you_ off easy? Ohhh god" She leaned back over the armrest looking up at the ceiling while at the same time offering Bo a view of her abs under the t-shirt. "Well, her name was Julia and we were in high school. I'd had a crush on her for years. We were both on the track team. And some times in the locker room after training... when I watched her shower and dress, it just felt so... I was afraid I would explode. One day when we were the only ones left, she cornered me and kissed me. Just like that. It was amazing and I was scared out of my mind. But I'm _so_ grateful she did..."

"You didn't know you were gay?"

"Ohh yes, I did, but I would never have worked up the courage to kiss her, so..." She hesitated, lost in the memory of Julia's scent, how soft her lips were...

"Did you do it in the locker-room? Come on, tell me more" She squeezed Lauren's thigh.

"Oh my god, no! A kiss was more than enough excitement for one day. Seriously, we were 16 and none of us were... ehh... we were both a little socially awkward?" She looked at Bo to see if she understood "But we started hanging out; you know 'studying'. My parents left me alone mostly, so we made out for hours in my room. There was _never _any real studying going on. God! I was so horny then" Almost as horny as she was now... she blushed at the thought. "It took weeks before we did it, neither of us had the courage to go all the way. When I look back at it today I don't know why."

She reached out for her wine and took a big sip "Then one day when we were making out, she suddenly had an orgasm. I'll never forget the look on her face... or how it made me feel; I almost came too. I just wanted to make her come again and again, to see her face like that again. And then,_ finally_, she put her hand down my jeans." The memory was so clear; she remembered the fumbling before Julia found her clit and the surprise of the orgasm on someone else's hand. "For a while my sole purpose in life was making Julia come, that was the only time ever my grades slipped a little."

She put her hands over her face, and sighed, "Was that enough? Or do you want more details?" She wanted so bad to re-enact that first time, with Bo in the role of Julia.

Bo rubbed her thigh "Ohh no, that was... " That was more than enough, she regretted asking. Lauren was a little drunk, and so turned on Bo almost couldn't look at her.

Lauren drank some more wine. It was surprisingly easy to tell Bo about this, considering how difficult it had been to ask about the escort thing. "When I think about how nerdy we were... and it was _not_ trendy to be nerdy at my school. I know that by today's standards 16 is late, but I was a late bloomer. What about your first time?"

Shit... Bo could feel the inevitable awkward moment approach. Think fast Bo; and lie. "Boy or girl?" It didn't really matter, they both died.

"Girl?" Lauren's mouth was slightly open and Bo could see the tip of her tongue.

"It was not nearly as romantic as your first time. It was after I left home. I met her at a nightclub and we did it in an alley" She seemed reluctant to say more.

"Was it good? Did you see her again?" Lauren would take any detail she could get.

"It was good, yes. But I didn't see her again; I didn't even know her name" _And I killed her and left her there._

"I'm sorry Bo..." She didn't know what to say. First time was supposed to be special, with someone you cared about?

Maybe it was just a stupid romantic notion. In some ways it was probably good to get your first time out of the way with someone you didn't have to worry about messing things up with? But in an alley? She imagined Bo in a dark grimy alley with her hand down the girl's pants... or maybe a skirt... bunched up around her waist... there would be heavy breathing. They would be hot and sweaty... the girl would have her legs around Bo's waist... thrusting against Bo's body...

"Don't be, it's a long time ago. And it's gotten better since" That wasn't a lie. Bo smirked at Lauren's far away expression; there was no doubt where her mind went. "What are you thinking?"

"... ehhh..." Think fast Lauren "You know... I never told anyone about Julia before... or about school. My family knew we were friends but not the rest ..." And she still hadn't told anyone the whole story...

"""""""""

They were halfway through the third bottle of wine. Lauren was playing with Bo's hand on her thigh.

"Tell me about that gay-thing"

"With my family you mean?"

"Hmmm"

"It was when I came out, as I told you. They seemed to be okay with it but in reality, they just kind of withdraw from me; or so I've always felt. We were never very close but this was so obvious."

"Why did they?"

"I think they thought I was a strange child, and this was just one more thing that made me different from them."

"I'm sorry" She looked at Lauren and rubbed her thigh slowly in comfort. The shivers ran all the way up her chest. She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply. How did Bo do that to her?

"Bo." Their eyes locked for a long moment until understanding showed on Bo's face.

"Oh God... I'm sorry Lauren" She tried to take her hand away but Lauren didn't let go.

"No."

Still looking Bo in the eyes, she sat up leaning her weight on the hand not holding Bo's.

"Bo..." She kept looking Bo in the eyes as she slowly moved to straddle her, still holding Bo's hand against her thigh. She held Bo's cheek gently "Don't pull away baby" She slid closer towards Bo's body, pressing against her abdomen and leaned down towards her mouth. Bo's eyes were fixed on her lips.

Bo closed her eyes; the sight of Lauren's pink lips was too much. And this close the warm musky smell of Lauren's arousal was obvious. She sat up straighter against the back of the couch so they were almost eye-to-eye. Lauren leaned in and Bo licked her lips in anticipation of a kiss but instead Lauren whispered in her ear.

"Please let me take care of you... let me love you Bo… I want you so much…" Her words were emphasised by her hand caressing Bo's neck. She was sweating a little, anticipation making her pulse rapid. She turned her head a little and started kissing Bo's neck while her hand caressed her midriff.

The hot air against her ear was more seductive than any kiss, and Bo almost gave in. "We can't Lauren… you said it yourself…" Bo took Lauren's hand from her midriff in an attempt to be able to think straight.

"I can feel your heartbeat Bo. You're shivering, I know you want to." Lauren's voice was low and confident. She was certain she was right.

"I can't baby, I can't, please stop; you're right but I can't..." She was talking into Lauren's ear; her words doing exactly the same to Lauren, as Lauren's had done to her.

"Why?" She moaned and sucked Bo's earlobe into her warm mouth.

"Ohh... god. It's complicated... but I can't right now."

"Is there someone else?" Ohhh please no.

"No... ohhh... no, there isn't. Please Lauren, stop"

Lauren relaxed against her "Okay... okay" She took a deep breath and moved off Bo, settling back against the armrest, one foot at the floor, one over Bo's lap.

Bo sighed and let her head fall back, leaning on the couch. "Sorry"

"No, I'm sorry." It had been too soon, but she couldn't help it now, only try to salvage what was left. "Are we okay?"

"Yes." She rubbed her face with both hands. "Lauren I..." She wanted to say something to reassure Lauren, but she didn't know what could possibly help. "I better go now."

"Okay" How could she screw this one up so bad? What if Bo didn't want to come back?

They both got up from the couch and Bo took her bag. As they stood by the door, Bo hesitated for a moment "Why don't we just say same time next week?"

Lauren smiled with relief "You read my mind... but are you sure you want to come?"

"Yes, I am" She reached for Lauren's hand, kissing the palm.

"If you want you can come up tomorrow when you pick up your car?"

"Maybe. If I do, I'll call you, okay? Bye"

Lauren was leaning on the edge of the door, so close... Bo leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to her cheek before she turned and walked down the stairs.

This time Lauren just leaned her back against the door as her hand found its way down the front of her pants.

""""""""

""""""""""""""""

""""

This was unbearable. Not even masturbating helped. She half considered the possibility that there was something medically wrong, but knew she was just beyond horny... and the object of her desire was not available. She had tried reading to distract herself but of course it didn't work; yoga had just made it worse and the only other option no longer seemed as bad as it had seemed earlier. She twirled the glass she was holding, letting the wine roll along the edges. It was now one o'clock... It had been like this since last night when Bo left.

She picked up her phone. Bo had said she would call before she came up, when she came to pick up her car, but with the way things ended last night, she was almost sure she wouldn't... She poured another glass of wine, knowing it was a bad idea. Was she on her way to become a sex-addict? She would have to look into that later... Maybe Bo was? Being an escort would be the perfect job then... Or was she a nymphomaniac? That would be equally perfect. She would have to look into that later too... God... She closed her eyes and tried not to think of her hand on Bo's stomach.

She opened her eyes again, put down the wine and texted Liv.

_"U busy?"_ She almost hoped she was.

_"No?"_

_"Come over"_

_"?"_

_"Please"_

_"On my way"_

Fifteen minutes later Liv knocked on her door.

"Thank you"

The tone was so sincere Liv didn't have the heart to be as snarky as she had planned. Lauren had been right last time. Their relationship (or what you could call it) had always been about sex, and it started out with Liv needing something Lauren had been able to give her. Now Lauren needed Liv but the roles were not reversed; unfortunately she wanted Lauren more than ever. She knew she was just a substitute but she couldn't say no.

"Sure, no problem." She let her jacket drop onto the couch.

"Want a glass of wine?"

"No thanks" It looked like Lauren had already had a couple. "Are you okay?"

Lauren smiled "Yeah" She gave Liv's thigh a squeeze. "You sure you have time for this? Did I pull you away from something?"

"Only my sister's unbearable smugness. No, I was just on my way to the gym. No big deal" She took Lauren's hand "I just want to make sure we're on the same page here... this is a booty call, right?"

"Yes"

"You want me to fuck you?"

"Yes" She leaned into Liv slowly, smelling her light, sweet scent, kissing her neck a single time, before she pulled back and looked at her "Will you?"

The smell of toothpaste mixed with the spicy scent of Lauren's arousal, reminded Liv of all the times they had done this before, and she shivered with anticipation.

"Yes" She leaned back and slowly unbuttoned her shirt and bra, letting her breasts free.

"Good" Lauren stood quickly; she pulled her shirt over her head, let her yoga pants drop unceremoniously to the floor, and straddled Liv on the couch. She leaned in and kissed her hungrily, until Liv pulled her back by her hair.

"Ohhh, you-"

"Shut up Liv." She bent her head down again and tightened her arms around Liv's neck. She rubbed her sex against Liv, trying to show where her focus should be.

There was something about Lauren's obvious need and the contrast between her naked sex and Liv's jeans that added an extra dimension to Liv's excitement. She ran her hands up Lauren's thighs, before she placed her left hand full on Lauren's sex.

"Ohhh, Laur... She makes you _so_ hot, doesn't she?" she whispered against Lauren's neck "And you can't have her. I bet it's killing you? Are you sure she's even gay? How can she not want this?" She squeezed Lauren's sex, feeling the wetness seep through her fingers. "Do you think about her to get off?"

"I don't have to think of anyone else when I'm with you, you know that babe" She was breathing heavily and moved with deliberation on Liv's hand, getting what she could before Liv would no doubt begin to tease her.

"You may not _need_ to, but you can't help it, can you? Don't forget I have some experience with that" Her hand squeezed again and Lauren almost came. She found Liv's mouth again and attacked it with desperation. The kiss became wild and uncoordinated as Liv got carried away too, and they just sucked at each other until Lauren broke away and cried out and came hard against Liv's hand.

"God, Liv..." She let her head rest on Liv's shoulder while she caught her breath.

She loved this, these moments after, when Lauren was still and soft and wet against her. Open and vulnerable. Quickly she let two fingers slide into Lauren, savouring the resulting twitch and Lauren's surprised moan and whispered against Lauren's hair. "This one was free Laur, the next you'll have to earn".

She put her hands under Lauren's ass and lifted her up effortlessly, carrying her to the bedroom.

"""""""""""""""

"Back for next round already?" She smirked as she opened the door, expecting to see Liv; maybe she'd forgotten something. Instead, she looked at Bo's surprised face.

"Bo!?"

"Do you always open the door without panties?" Lauren was standing in front of her in just a skimpy little t-shirt. Her hair was messy, her lips were swollen and her whole body was giving of a totally unapologetic 'just been fucked' vibe. The realization hit Bo with a jolt. Somebody else wanted Lauren; somebody else _had_ Lauren.

"No... I thought... I didn't expect you."

"Liv?" There was something new in Bo's voice, a reserve, a sharp edge that revealed a new side of Bo. She studied her expression curiously with this new realisation; Bo was jealous.

"Hmmm" She was irrationally anxious and felt guilty, as if she had been caught at doing something wrong. But Bo had no claims on her.

"The tall girl I passed on the stairs?"

"Probably"

"I should have called first." Obviously.

"Sorry"

"No no, I should have called first, as I said I would."

They looked at each other for a moment and Lauren felt the heat rising in her belly again. Bo being jealous was turning her on.

It dawned on her that she was almost naked. The whole situation was absurd. "Want to come in?" They couldn't just stand there.

She wanted to, but it seemed so inappropriate when Lauren's bed was still warm from her other lover. No not other... just lover.

When she walked past Lauren, she could smell the sex on her; the need to possess her was so strong she had to close her eyes against the short blue flash she could feel.

"Are you ok?" Lauren's hand touched Bo's shoulder lightly

She opened her eyes "Are you two together again?"

"No, but... we always did have amazing sex... and I like her" _If you hadn't left last night it would have been you_

"You don't have to explain Lo, I know I have no right to be jealous but I am... I'm just jealous."

"Ohhh" _I know_... She turned towards the bedroom "I'll just put on some-"

"Wait... please" Bo grabbed her wrist and pulled her back towards her body, more roughly than she intended. They looked at each other, so close Bo could see Lauren's heartbeat in her chest.

Bo's grip on her wrist was almost painful and her stare was hypnotic. She had to say something, do something, to break the tension. "Bo..." But Bo just pulled her even closer, and put her other arm on her hip. She leaned in, closed her eyes and kissed Lauren with passion.

At first Lauren was reluctant, and Bo had to tease her mouth open until she surrendered. She could smell sex on her face and again she had the urge to mark Lauren. They kissed until Lauren whimpered and trembled, trying to pull back.

"Bo... " She was surprised and confused. She should stop Bo. She had just made love to Liv for hours; she hadn't even washed her face yet, no doubt she had Liv all over her face. This was so wrong, but it just felt so good.

"Bo... stop" But Bo didn't let go, she grabbed the back of Lauren's head with one hand and held her with a firm grip as she kissed her. In contrast, the kiss was sweet and soft, coaxing Lauren into surrender. Bo teased her and swayed her, pushing in slowly before withdrawing, leaving Lauren's mouth empty and wanting, and then pulling and teasing her searching tongue. They kissed until Lauren had no more thought of how wrong this was, and was just clinging to Bo, pressing against her, completely oblivious to anything but Bo's mouth and the way their bodies touched. She hadn't felt like this, from just kissing since she kissed Bo in her kitchen, that first night. How did she _do_ this?

The pressure of Bo's body against her own increased, and she realized that she was now sandwiched between the wall and Bo's body. Going only by instinct, she held on to Bo's neck and wrapped her legs around her waist. She wanted this to happen, but she was afraid Bo would withdraw as she had done before.

"Ohhh god, Lauren" Bo was breathing into Lauren's hair now, biting and kissing her neck, moaning with the pleasure of being completely subject to Lauren's sexual energy. There was something different and new in her hunger for Lauren. It wasn't just the need for sex that she had learned to control. It was a need to posses and mark Lauren, that she had never felt before. She didn't know how to handle this.

Her naked sex against Bo's body, Bo's arms around her waist, the kisses on her neck and Bo's heavy breathing in her ear... it was just... this was perfect. Lauren was moments from coming "Bo, please... please, ohhh god, please" She tightened her legs around Bo and thrust against her abdomen rhythmically as the feeling build inside her.

There was no way she could stop this. With the same mix of calm and panic, that you feel after you fall, the moments when your head is on it's way to impact with the ground, she realized she couldn't get out of this situation. And she didn't want to. Her hands slid down and grabbed Lauren's buttocks, kneading the smooth flesh, holding her tight against her. She kissed her way up the side of Lauren's neck up to her jaw, over her chin until she kissed her mouth again.

This was so different from being with Liv. The fleeting thought made her feel guilty for a split second. Until the warmth of Bo's hands and the heat of her kiss made her forget everything and she came against Bo with a strangled cry.

"""""""""


	9. Chapter 9

A/N Sorry for the wait between updates. For some reason I can't quite get the characters to do what I want them to. They seem to have a will of their own... arghhh

Thank you so much for all the reviews and comments and follows, it really means a lot.

* * *

Bo sat in the dark of her car for a long time, trees obscuring the light coming from a lonely streetlight, making it move in strange patterns on the dashboard. Once again, she wondered how she could let things get so far. She had no willpower around Lauren. The only way to stop this was to move away... to run again. This thing had been a train wreck from the start. But she was so tired of running... and she didn't _want_ to be without Lauren... sexual attraction aside, she loved to be in Lauren's company, their conversations, eating together, sitting close on the couch, she loved how touchy Lauren was, always a hand on her arm or thigh. Lauren was intelligent, caring, beautiful, sometimes funny. She was perfect. But the thought of telling about herself... She couldn't imagine how she could ever do it. Telling Kenzi had been circumstantial and she hadn't had a choice. But Lauren would freak out and then she would have to move anyway.

And right now... she was so ashamed. Sex was easy but dealing with the emotional fallout was hard. She couldn't even imagine how to talk to Lauren again, how to approach her... Maybe she should go back up right away, get it over with? Would she be mad? Embarrassed? She remembered how horrible she had felt, when Lauren just left her, after the couch-incident... but not mad, just confused, frustrated. Maybe she would think it was payback? God no, it wasn't. She should tell her! She should apologize. Her hand was on the door handle and she almost opened it. But what would she say? Would Lauren even... what would she think...? Bo had started this today because she was jealous... but Lauren had every right to sleep with whomever she wanted.

Maybe Kenzi would have an idea what to do? She took her phone out of her pocket. But how could she even explain this to Kenzi? The more she thought about it the more she was sure what Kenzi would say... 'get up there and tell her' She knew she should, but...

It was risky going up there again... maybe Lauren was in the shower? She had smelled like sex, and looked so... good. She closed her eyes and groaned at the mental image. Her and Liv had probably been at it all day. The thought twisted her stomach. It could have been her... and if she hadn't left... she groaned again and leaned her head on the steering wheel. The sound Lauren had made when she came... the way she clung to her and moved... she could still smell Lauren... she pulled at the bottom of her t-shirt where a wet stain sat, and held it to her nose... ohh how she loved that smell... and she remembered why it would be a bad idea to go back. The way she had wanted to _have_ Lauren, to _own_ her, had been scary... Not to mention the strong urge to feed, she had somehow managed to stop when Lauren came... She _had_ to leave... and now she was thinking about going back up? Fuck this...

"""""""""""""""""

When the door closed behind Bo, Lauren leaned against the wall. She was shaking and her legs felt like noodles. Slowly she slid down to sit on the floor. The mix of emotions left her brain almost on the verge of meltdown and for a long time she sat with her head on her knee, as the buzz and euphoria of her climax receded. If this was how Bo had felt when she left... The strongest feeling in the mix, she realized, was relief. The way Bo had kissed her, held her and groaned when Lauren came... she could feel the arousal in Bo just as she could feel her own. But why the hell had she left? Bo kissed _her first._ She was jealous, there was no doubt about that... But that was her own fault, Lauren had made it clear she wanted Bo... and _still_ she had left last night. Did she think Lauren would just sit around and wait for her to make up her mind? All that talk about loving sex... _She _loved sex too... But Bo's mind was made up... or so she said. She wanted to be friends... just friends. It had not felt like 'just friends' when she kissed her... FUCK this. And there was no point in trying to be just friends anymore? All her intentions about keeping her distance from Bo disappeared after that time on the couch... But there was so much they needed to talk about if... no ifs really. They needed to talk no matter what. Clearly, they were not on the same page about this, and since they couldn't avoid seeing each other... She groaned at the thought of looking at Bo in the lecture hall. Smiling... being gorgeous... hot...

She shivered. It was chilly on the floor. She needed a shower. And a drink. She leaned over and got to her knees. Using the doorknob as support, she slowly got up and walked to the bathroom. Maybe she should eat something. Breakfast was long ago... and Liv had been very enthusiastic... but all she wanted right now was a bottle of wine and a long sleep.

""""

""""""""""""

""""

She hadn't even tried to get anything done today, only gone through the motions, until she could go home. She was able to give the lecture only because she had done it so many times before. Thank god Bo hadn't been there... or not thank god? She wasn't sure... what was worse? Wondering where she was and why she wasn't here or seeing her and getting all those... feelings?

Once again, she stared blindly into the air. This roller coaster of emotions was unbearable. After several weeks in almost-heaven? She was now on the verge of despair. This just couldn't continue.

She looked out the window of her fifth floor apartment. She could see over the rooftops, the horizon was lead grey, it looked like there would be snow tonight.

She turned around taking a decision. This had to stop. She dressed for the cold and pulled her boots on.

""""

"""""""""""""""

""""""""

The door opened abruptly and a skinny girl with pink hair and very blue eyes looked at her with surprise.

"Hey! Shit... You're not Dave?" She looked Lauren over "No pizza, deffo not Dave. Can I help you?"

"No, I'm Lauren. And you must be Kenzi? Is Bo home?" She smiled at the girl trying at least to look as if she qualified as normal.

The girl narrowed her eyes almost imperceptibly. "Oh, you're Lauren? No, Bo isn't in, she's working" She looked at Lauren expectantly "What do you want with her?"

The girl was quite intimidating "I just... I needed to talk to her... I didn't see her today... at uni... so... I just... ehh"

The girl raised her eyebrows at her "Are you sure you're a professor? You seem quite feeble-minded?"

Lauren just looked at her; Bo must have told the girl something not so flattering about her, to justify this level of hostility. She ignored the comment. "I'll just talk to her later then; will you tell her I was here?" She turned to leave looking back at the girl for confirmation.

"Wait a minute Blondie" Kenzi held her hand up for Lauren to stop "I don't know what the hell happened between you two yesterday, but when Bo came home last night she was _so_ out of it. What did you do to her?"

The girl's piercing eyes nailed her to the spot "I didn't...? nothing."

"Listen Blondie! I know Bo is into you so there must be something good about you, but if you don't fix this I _will_ destroy you, okay?" Her tone of voice was calm and smooth, belying her words, "You either fix this or leave her alone! She's my bestie and _no one_ messes with my bestie. You got that?"

The outburst was so unexpected that Lauren just stared at the girl. There was so much wrong with the assumptions she'd made, Lauren didn't even know where to start. So she didn't try. She just turned and left.

Once outside she just walked, without really knowing where she went. That girl was just so... Lauren hated when people jumped to conclusions, maybe it was her scientific background. There was _always_ more to any story than you knew, and the way that girl had assumed it was her fault... This just kept getting better and better... just when everything was so bad you thought that at least nothing could get worse... she laughed at herself. This was a recurring motive in her life, she should have learned by now... things _always_ got worse.

Despite her initial anger at the girl, she had a nagging feeling of guilt. Bo had been 'out of it ' and it was her fault... at least partially. She had planned to seduce Bo in spite of agreeing to try to be friends, and though it obviously hadn't quite worked out the way she had wanted it to, it had clearly affected Bo. Did Bo blame herself for giving in to the attraction? Was that why she'd been out of it? But that didn't make sense... Lauren had told Bo just how much she wanted her. There was no reason for Bo to feel guilty? Again she had the strong suspicion that Bo was hiding something... Lauren _wanted_ Bo, but as time passed, she realized not at any cost, and certainly not if it hurt Bo.

""""""""""

The next couple of days went better or at least not worse, despite her not talking to Bo.,. She would know by now that Lauren had come by wanting to talk to her. She kept checking her phone and mail with no luck. It reminded her of those weeks before the semester started, when Liv had just broken up with her. How could she end up in the same situation so soon? And now she had Liv sending needy texts asking to come by...

The next lecture was Thursday so she hoped Bo would be there. There was probably no hope that she would come for dinner on Saturday, but at least there was a chance of seeing her tomorrow.

"""""""""""""

Bo stared at her screen trying to will the words out of her brain. What could she possibly say to make things better? Was Lauren even interested? Did she care? That was just stupid... she knew she cared... Especially now Kenzi had told her Lauren came by to see her Monday evening; she said it casually as if it was no big deal, but Bo knew her well enough to hear some of the things she didn't say out loud and managed to get the details eventually. So she would also have to apologize for Kenzi's behaviour.

"Why didn't you tell me? What did you say to her? What did she say? Kenzi! Tell me."

"Shit, girl calm down."Maybe she should have told her straight away. "She just asked if you were in, and I told her you weren't..."

"And...?"

There was no point in trying to fool Bo "Well I might have... eh kindly urged her not to upset you again"

"You mean you threatened her with violence if she ever comes near me?" Bo knew that Kenzi had wanted to protect her but she had totally missed the plot, to blame Lauren for this.

"Not in those exact words but..." Shit... She closed her eyes and did a mental facepalm.

No, no, no. "Oh fuck Kenz, why did you have to do that. I know you mean well but you _have_ to stay out of this. You have no idea what goes on with Lauren."

"I saw how out of it you were Sunday. She's messing with you and she need to stop." If Bo couldn't see that...

"It was my own fault that I was messed up Kenz. I did it myself. I started... what happened, and she was probably just as upset... It wasn't her fault, okay?"

"What did you do? You say I have no idea, but that's because you don't tell me."

"Doesn't matter now" She couldn't tell Kenzi. She would just tell Bo, again, what to do and be right about it, again. "What did she say?"

"Nothing she just looked at me and left. Seemed quite... deflated? I'm sorry Bo, but I just tried to help."

"You are not helping by making her feel bad, she's had enough of that in her life. Promise me you will not threaten her, if she comes here again." She couldn't have Kenzi messing with Lauren; it was bad enough that she gave disgustingly good and right advice.

""""""""""

_Hey Lauren_

_I'm really sorry about Sunday.  
I think I love you and when I smelled that bitch on you,  
I wanted to make you mine.  
And I'm not really sorry, I just wished I hadn't  
left so we could have made love all night.  
Mostly, though, I'm sorry I didn't stay Saturday night...  
Then she wouldn't even have been there.  
Bo_

Well it was the truth, but... She hit delete and started again

_Hey Lauren_

_Can you ever forgive me for what happened Sunday?  
I love you so much, and knowing you had been with Liv  
almost broke my heart. I know it was my own fault for  
not staying Saturday night._

_I can't live without you but if I stay I'm afraid I'll  
kill you with my love._

_Goodbye_

_With undying love, yours forever_

_Bo_

Also true... This was _hard_. She groaned and hit delete again.

_Hey Lauren_

_I'm so sorry for just walking out on you Sunday.  
I just couldn't deal with all the sexiness. You are so  
hot when you come and I wanted to fuck you all night,  
so you would never even think of Liv again.  
But I was a coward and left... just like you did.  
So now you know how it feels._

_Think about that!_

_Bo_

True, true, true... Fuck this.

_My dear, lovely Lo_

_I am so, so sorry about Saturday.  
Can you ever forgive me?  
I lust you so much.  
If I could, I would take you to bed and  
never let you leave. Will you let me?_

_P.S. I might accidentally kill you when we make love  
cause I'm a superfreak. I hope that's okay?_

_Bo_

Ohh so true...

_Lauren_

_I'm sorry_

_Bo_

Arghhh...

""""""""""""

Wednesday evening she got a mail from Bo.

_Hey Lauren_

_I'm sorry about Sunday. I'm sorry about what I started and sorry that I left the way I did.  
Can you forgive me? We should have talked instead, but I'm really attracted to you as you  
probably know. We have already talked about why this is a bad idea and I have nothing new  
to add. I don't want to be without you, but if you don't want to see me again I will understand. _

_Kenzi just now told me that you came to see me Monday. I would like to apologize for what  
she may have said to you. She is very protective of me and sometimes she takes the  
'best friend routine' a little bit too far. So, I'm sorry about that._

_If you still want to see me, I'll be very happy, but if you don't, I'll try to understand._

_Love, Bo_

_P.S._

_I can't let this go to waste. _

_I know it's only Wednesday but consider this the normal Friday mail...:_

_Bla ?_

_B_

Lauren was a little baffled. As far as she could tell Bo managed to say that she just wanted to be friends and that she couldn't stop wanting her... and that she had wanted to talk but hadn't changed her stance and really had nothing new to add...? And _how_ could Bo even begin to think she didn't want to see her again? And then she just carried on as if this was a normal Friday mail. Seriously?

And still Lauren couldn't help smiling at the last part.

_Bla ?_

_B_

This was fun... she hurried to answer and hoped Bo would still be online.

:) !

The reply was immediate as usual.

_:D !_

And just like that she was in this lovely almost-heaven again. She felt herself relax from a tension she didn't even realize she had had. The rational part of her already feared for the tumble into despair that would be inevitable. But she also knew she could do nothing to stop that, unless she stopped breathing.

""""""""""""""""

"I just don't get it Bo." Kenzi stood just inside Bo's bedroom "If you can't resist her then you either have to tell her or stay away. I _know_ it's not easy but _it is simple_. And since you keep repeating you can't tell her... well, then you _have_ to stay away."

She shook her hands in the air for emphasis. Arrgh, Bo could be so infuriating sometimes. Kenzi took her role as best friend/bestie very serious. It was her duty to tell Bo the ugly truth... especially when it was as important as it was now... and Bo _had_ asked. It wasn't Kenzi's fault that the truth was hard to hear. The only thing this situation was good for was Bo's paycheck. The last couple of months she had taken on almost twice as many clients as normal, even new ones... some rather kinky ones, actually.

"I _know_... but... oh _god_!" She fell back on the bed in defeat. Kenzi was so annoying when she was right.

"If you go there you will end up showing her instead of telling her!"

"I just can't... and I can't stay away... I _crave_ her... and it doesn't even matter if I'm full or not... It's horrible."

Now Bo was whining. Seriously?! Kenzi did not have patience for this anymore. "Okay, Bo I'll only say this one more time. This woman has turned you into a whining wimp. And I don't like it. You either tell her or leave her alone! That's my advice, okay? Since you obviously didn't listen the first 50 times I told you, I'm sure you won't listen this time but I will _not _repeat it.

Kenzi was right and Bo knew it. She knew and she couldn't do it. This was horrible, just horrible. All those terrible love songs she had heard on the radio all her life and never quite understood... they made perfect sense now. She wished she had had the chance to practice this when she was younger... Kyle didn't count. This was nothing like what she had felt for him... And since then... she had never known anybody long enough to fall in love.

"I know Kenzi, okay? I know!" In a way not making a decision still was making a decision. She would just go be with Lauren and see what happened. She sat up on the bed again. She had a couple of appointments to get ready for, including a threesome. She wanted to be as prepared as she could be, though she knew by now, it didn't really make a difference.

"""

""""""""""""

"""

"I'm sorry... I really am. About... leaving" Déjà vu turned around. She leaned forward in her chair, looking insistently at Lauren.

"It's okay, Bo" It wasn't; but who was she to talk? It certainly hadn't been okay, the way she left Bo the first time. "I understand why you would. Leave I mean" It seemed they were equally bad at dealing with things when they happened.

"And I'm sorry about... well I think maybe I... I mean I shouldn't have kissed you... kept kissing you... when you asked me to stop" She couldn't look at Lauren.

Maybe it was the right time to tell just how much she'd liked Bo's very firm grip? Or not; maybe better keep it light "I was just overwhelmed. Liv had just been... we'd just..." _Fucked for five hours_ "It wasn't because I didn't like it. As you could probably tell?"

"But still." Just the thought of forcing herself on someone against his or her will made her nauseous. She had done that so many times in the past. Persuading people that they wanted her, wanted sex. Using her ability to seduce people was just as bad as using force.

So this was why she was out of it Sunday? Had she no idea how much Lauren wanted her? How dense could Bo be? "Bo? Can we not talk about this, now?" There was no point was there? Nothing had changed. They both wanted each other and still knew each other's stand on why it should or should not happen."I just want to enjoy being with you, okay?"

"Okay" There was a pause and the silence stretched out far too long for comfort.

"Can I get you anything? Coffee? Beer? I think maybe we should stay off the wine."

"No thanks, I'm good... And you're right, wine is probably not a good idea." She laughed a little. Nervously.

Lauren fiddled with the hem of her shirt. "You missed my Monday lecture."

"Yeah, sorry. I couldn't face you... just yet, then" She leaned her head back against the back of the chair "I did study for it though. And I borrowed the notes from the guy I usually sit next to." He recorded the lectures and was always happy to send the recording to Bo. More than happy. He followed her like a puppy when he could.

"The slides I use are online, you know that right?"

"I know, but sometimes you say something that's not on there."

"Is there anything you want to ask?"

"No, I can't really concentrate on it at the moment" She did want to talk though. This was all so unresolved. She couldn't just pretend everything was alright.

"Lauren, I... I know I said that I don't have anything new to add, but" She stopped, unable to formulate her dilemma. "I can't _do_ this... fuck!" She got up from the chair, and walked to the window. This was so frustrating. She turned to look at Lauren "Are you _really_ okay with what I did Sunday?"

Seriously? "What _you_ did? What _we_ did, you mean?" The guilt at her plan to seduce Bo gnawed at her. "I was there too. Trust me, you don't have to feel bad, you didn't exactly force yourself on me. I'm just sorry you left. And sorry that you feel jealous." _Not really_

Oh, yeah Liv. She'd forgotten about her for at least half a moment. "Tell me about her? Are you in love with her?" She looked back out the window, trying to hide her expression from Lauren.

Lauren could see the shift in Bo "Are you trying to scoop out the competition?

_Competition? We're just friends aren't we_. "Just curious."

"You know I'm not in love with her. But I was frustrated" Again she was stunned at how dense Bo seemed.

"Tell me more. How did you meet? Why were you together if you knew from the start that she was off limits?"

"That's a good question." Weren't they talking about Sunday just 10 seconds ago?

Bo turned to look at Lauren again, leaning against the windowsill.

"She was the wrong person just at the right time, I think." Or the right person at the wrong time? Who knows what they could have had if things were different. "Maybe I was ready for something more than one night stands... and she made herself available. And about the of limits part... I don't know, maybe I'm just a little self destructive." There was no maybe about it. "Something that is wrong is often very attractive... I think we already agreed on that."

She nodded. "But she has a boyfriend? Did you know that from the start?"

Was she shocked? "No, not at first... Do you want me to say something in my defense?" It had come as a shock when she first found out but when she'd thought about it, it suited her fine. "Okay. She went after me, and it was just sex? If it hadn't been me it would have been someone else? She said she was going to leave him? She told me they had an open relationship."

Bo finally caught on "No, no Lauren I didn't mean it was wrong I just thought... I was just curious about what she felt about _you, _was she in love with you?"

"No, she wasn't." Lauren wasn't so sure how Liv felt now, but there was no need to tell Bo. "And the boyfriend? I think he was just safe, normal. I don't know... Maybe she loved him. But I know it wasn't easy for her." And now she even told Bo far more about Liv than she would probably be okay with.

"Loved?"

"She has left him."

"Oh." What the hell was she supposed to think about that?

"And we're talking about me again" she raised her eyebrows and rolled her eyes. Bo looked seriously uncomfortable as Lauren got up and went to stand beside her at the window.

"What aren't you telling me? Some boyfriend or girlfriend, lurking in the wings?" There was something.

"No Lauren, I promise. No one has any claim on me." _No one but you_

Lauren moved closer and Bo was almost panicking.

"We were talking about Sunday, weren't we? You don't think I forced myself on you? It felt like I did, at first."

"Trust me, you didn't." _But you can, anytime you like..._ "I wanted it. Wanted you."

"Were you really sorry I left?" She sounded like a little girl and didn't like it.

"Yes, I was, really. But it just felt a little weird when I'd just... you know."

She blushed at the awkwardness, but also at what she'd done with Liv. It had been so good; better than in a very long time. And still she had been turned on when Bo showed up. The whole situation was just so wrong.

"I know. It was... weird." And weirdly hot. She still couldn't quite figure out that urge/feeling she'd had to mark Lauren, maybe it was just jealousy.

Enough of this. She turned away from Bo "You hungry? I just got us some lasagna again this time"

"""""""""""

"You never told me about why you stopped in research" Bo was looking at her expectantly.

"No, I didn't. I... it's a long depressing story" she wasn't sure she had the energy to tell it. "Sure you want to hear it?"

"I am. If you want to tell?"

She turned around so she could put her head in Bo's lap instead of her feet "Is this okay?"

"Of course" She shifted her legs a little so Lauren could lie more comfortably.

"I don't know where to start. It really is a long story" She squeezed Bo's thigh.

"Just give me the Cliff notes if it's too much."

She looked up at Bo as she answered "Okay. You can ask if there's something then, later"

Bo nodded and put her hand on the top of Lauren's head. She had a brief memory of being little and lying like this in her mother's lap.

"It was the '_girlfriend ruined her carrier, ran away and died_-thing I mentioned earlier."

"Oh, that sounds complicated." Lauren's hair was so inviting. She wanted to run her fingers through it. The image of her fist grabbing it sprung to mind and she shifted a little in her seat.

"It was. I worked at a nice prestigious research lab. It was after Afghanistan. Somehow, everything went my way. My grades had been good. I had the experience of working in Afghanistan; it looked good on my CV. I was the star of my lab... everybody praised me. It was embarrassing actually. I had a beautiful girlfriend. We were in love and everything was great. I don't know where things started to go wrong. I didn't notice. But I was a crap girlfriend, I can see that now. But at the time I had no idea." She had been so caught up in being successful and popular. Poor Nadia.

Bo played with her hair, twirling the strands around her fingers.

"I applied for a grant to be part of an expedition to Congo. My lab was researching aspects of cardiovascular disease and there were theories, that some plants from the rain forests could be interesting. Being in that expedition would be an opportunity to get some more experience and it would look great on my CV. I was so eager then, to get up in the world." She laughed a little to herself, at the optimism she had then.

"Well, I applied for the grant and so did a few of the other researchers at my lab, my colleagues. It was assumed I would be the one to get it. But then... a lot of things happened. I don't know, still, if I have the whole story" She rubbed her hands over her face and got up from Bo's lap.

"One of my colleagues raised some questions about my research. It's absolutely valid to question other peoples research. It's kind of supposed to be like that, but the way he did it... he hinted that I had manipulated my calculations, if not directly cheated with my results. At the same time rumours started. About me... not very pleasant rumours... but then rumours rarely are." This turned out to be the long version after all. She had to just get it over with. She could not talk about it anymore.

"So... It turned out that my girlfriend had an affair with my colleague, the one who accused me of cheating. He got the grant and went to the Congo. She went with him. It all went south while they were there, and the whole expedition disappeared. Only one poor research assistant was found and he was seriously ill and disturbed when they found him, he couldn't tell what had happened. As far as I know nobody has heard from anyone since and it's still not clear what happened to them, so it's assumed they are dead." She let herself fall back in the couch and took a deep breath.

"Anything you want to ask?" It was hard to sit still; she straightened up and folded her legs.

"God Lauren, that was rough. And you stopped at the lab?" Bo put her hand on her knee.

"Yes. My research was... well, I found it hard to work, after that. Rumours like that tend to stick. No matter how unfounded they are."

"But didn't you do anything? I mean tell people that it wasn't true?"

"Well, the scientific part of it was over quickly. Of course I hadn't manipulated anything, or cheated, but something like that always seem to stick, no matter how unfounded. And the rumours; they were so ridiculous at first I didn't think anyone would believe it. But then I heard whispers in the corners... You know, talking, odd looks, people were pulling away from me... It was school all over." She looked at Bo as she stretched her legs.

"Was that the reputation you talked about when we first met?"

"Well, it was a mix of things. The rumours about me was mostly... of a sexual nature. But of course nobody had forgotten that I supposedly cheated with my research... unfortunately people remember stuff like that... And when I started seeing Liv. It was just... " She stopped talking and rubbed her face with both hands. There had been plenty of gossip about her sexual exploits before she started seeing Liv, but there was no need to tell Bo about that.

"I had a breakdown eventually; before I started here at TU"

"Oh, the 'slightly crazy'-thing?"

"Yes. When I heard they had disappeared in the jungle; she was dead... or worse. And with the way we split up. It was just too much." She stood up and shook her hands "Sorry, I just... it's not easy to talk about. I still have nightmares about what might have happened to her. I just hope she died quickly. God! What a horrible thing to have to say, but I really hope she did." She sat down again.

"And I feel bad about... sometimes I'm relieved that it all happened; the things that stopped me from going there. You know? Maybe I was lucky? If it hadn't happened I would be dead most likely... and instantly I feel guilty about it" At times she had wished she were dead.

"I know we agreed to drop the wine but do you want a glass anyway?"

"Sure."

Lauren got up to get the wine. In the kitchen, she took a moment to collect herself. This story she'd never told anybody before either. Not in its entirety anyway. What was it about Bo that made her put it all out there? But it felt good too; it had been a long time since anyone had been interested enough to ask so many questions. And still, Bo had told next to nothing about herself.

She sat down sideways and leaned her side against the couch, holding out a glass of wine for Bo.

"I'm sorry all this happened to you." She reached out and touched Lauren's cheek with the back of her fingers before she took the glass.

"So am I" She leaned her head against Bo's fingers.

"How long were you together?"

"6 years. We met when I was in med school."

"Oh. That was a long time." The urge to reach out and hug Lauren, comfort her, was so strong. With difficulty, she removed her hand from Lauren's cheek, and took a large sip of wine.

The loss of Bo's touch almost hurt. "I..." She closed her eyes for a moment before she mirrored Bo and took a sip of wine.

"Why did you come see me on Monday?"

"I just wanted to talk about what happened, but we've talked about it now."

"I'm sorry I wasn't there. Kenzi can be a little too much, sometimes."

"She sure takes her duty as best friend serious."

"She's very loyal."

"Is she gay? The question surprised her; she hadn't meant to say it out loud.

Bo raised her eyebrows in surprise. "Kenzi? Ah... no, she isn't. Why?" Well she wasn't exactly straight; at least not all the time "Do you think she's jealous?"

"No, no, no... I just wondered" She might be. Even if she was straight. Friends could be jealous too, couldn't they? Lauren had never had a best friend. Sometimes she wondered how it felt.

"Do you want to watch a movie with me?" She wanted to change the subject. There was no point in this and she didn't have energy for telling any more about herself tonight.

"Oh sure, what do you have?" They could do anything if it meant she could stay a little longer... anything but sex.

It turned out Lauren had a large collection of horror movies, and as Bo never watched horror movies much, Lauren picked the Ring? She admitted to herself that she might have had slightly ulterior motives for this. Nothing encouraged cuddling as well as this.

"Oh my god!" Bo was holding a hand in front of her eyes. This was torture. Lauren hid her face against Bo's shoulder. That was torture too... "And you like watching these for _fun_? Why do you do this to yourself?"

"It's the adrenaline, I like the rush, I guess." She laughed against Bo's shoulder. She smelled so good.

"But you... How can you sleep after something like this?" Bo was mortified. She looked between her fingers. It was safe to look now. She relaxed her shoulders. Lauren sat up again.

"AHH...HOLY SHIT " A dead girl with a terrible face appeared out of nowhere and Lauren gripped her thigh.

Bo's heart almost stopped "JESUS!" Her heart was pounding, and she cold sweat was breaking out at the back of her neck.

"How long is this thing?" Lauren looked suspiciously amused.

"We don't have to watch it, we can stop?"

"No, no... it's ehhh interesting; completely new for me, so it's cool. I just wondered" And Lauren was warm and soft against her.

She leaned a little closer to Bo, letting her head fall against Bo's shoulder, and they watched for a while without talking only interrupted by the occasional shriek or groan.

Suddenly Bo realized that Lauren's hand had sneaked under her t-shirt, and was now inching around her hip, just shy of her waistband, oh... And her face stayed against her neck when it wasn't particularly scary. How did that happen? Lauren had totally ninja cuddled her.

"Lauren..?"

"Hmm" She couldn't resist the skin on Bo's neck. For each time she hid her face against her it was a little harder to move away. Her smell was unbelievably sexy. Each time she took a breath it spread in her like a drug, making her insides shiver.

Bo could feel Lauren's breathing getting deeper. As always, feeling the effect she had on Lauren was a complete turn-on. This was so not a good idea.

"Lauren?" She put her hand on the side of Lauren's face under her hair. "Babe? " But Lauren just leaned her cheek into Bo's hand. "Hmmm... I can't get enough of your touch Bo... It's... God, I just want you so much. I don't understand what you're doing to me."

"Lauren, please?" She had to stop this before it got out of hand "We can't baby. I'm serious. Stop" But it felt so good to have Lauren's mouth there. "We agreed we shouldn't. God, stop" She groaned and Lauren could sense her determination slip. She sucked on Bo's earlobe like she did last week and again got a needy moan. She'd have to remember that.

"Please babe, what about me being your student? That's still true...?"

She pulled back a little to speak "It doesn't matter anymore Bo. As long as you come visit me... I mean the risk is the same no matter what we do when we're together. If people find out, they will assume we're lovers." She turned her head to look into Bo's eyes "Do you know what I mean? We might as well make love, cause everyone will think we are. And we _did_, twice." It was a stretch to call their two times lovemaking, it was more like sexual hit and run, but in this context it was the same.

"But we will know we are not. I will not jeopardize your job Lauren." She held on to this stubbornly.

Apparently Bo just didn't get it. "Seriously Bo? We moved past that point long ago, no matter how much we pretend. And _you_ are not jeopardizing anything. _I_ _am_. " She let her head rest on Bo's shoulder. The scent of Bo filled her senses again. She sighed; this woman was her kryptonite.

"I know we talked about trying to be just friends; I still want to be your friend but I can't stand this. The only thing I think about is fucking you, making love to you, making you come in every way possible." Her voice was low, she was almost whispering.

Bo's eyes closed; Lauren's words and the feeling of her breath against her ear was going straight to her sex. "I wake up wet from dreaming about you every morning, and the first thing I do every day is make myself come _so_ hard thinking about how you taste, how I could make you moan and how you would sound and feel coming in my mouth… how wet you would be for me."

She could hardly breathe; Lauren talking dirty was an incredible turn on. She wanted to ravish Lauren. Throw her on the couch and rip her clothes off, taste her, yes... she hadn't tasted her yet. She groaned with longing.

"Bo, please tell me I'm not crazy. I can feel how much you want me. Please tell me why we can't make love. What is it that you're not telling me? Just tell me if I'm wrong; if you don't want me?" This was so frustrating! Her voice sounded like a whiny child and she cringed at the sound.

She pulled Lauren's hand out from under her shirt and held it. "You're not crazy. But I don't want this to be all about sex. Everything in my life is about sex. Sometimes it's too much." She knew this would probably make Lauren feel guilty and that was unfair, but maybe it could postpone things a little. If they could just concentrate on something else, not think about sex all the time, she might...

Oh fuck, who was she trying to fool? Their connection _was_ sexual, plain and simple. No point in trying to pretend it wasn't. She sighed and caressed Lauren's cheek again. Maybe it could be more, but right now, the unresolved sexual tension overshadowed everything else. And was Lauren even interested in more?

Suddenly Lauren realized how it must look from Bo's point of view. Every time they had been together, it ended up with Lauren trying to seduce her. She sat back a little, leaning away from Bo.

"It's not. I'm sorry Bo… It's _not_ just about sex for me. I want you in every way I can possibly have you. Sex is just one… and I guess I feel very comfortable about it so… but I can do without." The last bit wasn't true but if it was what Bo needed to hear, she would say it.

"I want all of you, all that you can give me Bo, and I want to give you all of me that you want." That _was_ true.

Bo was silent for a long moment. "Are you telling me you're in love with me?" She held her breath. The expression on Lauren's face changed as she realized what she'd said.

"I was, wasn't I? I didn't mean to." No, no no... There was an awful sinking feeling in her stomach

"Mean to fall in love with me or tell me?" She still held Lauren's hand.

"Neither… Both?" Lauren desperately tried to read Bo's face.

"Lauren" Bo was at a loss for words; how could she ever explain why it couldn't work? She should have stopped this a long time ago.

"I'm sorry, Bo, I shouldn't have told you like this." Lauren's heart was beating so hard she could hear the rush of blood in her ears. How could she have screwed this up so much?

"It's one of the sweetest declaration of love I ever heard, so don't be sorry." She kissed the palm of Lauren's hand and got up from the couch. "I think I need a little time to think Lauren."

She stood for a moment at the door. "I'll call you, okay?" For a moment it looked like she might say something more.

"Bo, don't leave, please" She couldn't even find the energy to say it like she meant it. Bo would leave no matter what, of course she would.

"Goodnight, Lauren."

""""""""""

Lauren sat on the couch, mindlessly running her hand back and forth along the armrest.

She couldn't remember why she'd even tried... this... thing with Bo. This always happened. It was just a matter of time... But better now than later...

Julia, her parents, her sister, her brother; but he didn't just leave, he'd always been in a category of douche bag all of his own. She didn't want to think of him. Nadia... they all left. Liv too, though she kind of came back... yeah let's see how long that lasts. She could try telling her she loved her, then she'd be off in a flash. The thought of Liv speeding off on her perfect legs, like the roadrunner, was so funny to her she started laughing until her stomach muscles hurt.

She tipped over onto the couch, pulling her knees towards her chest.

And now Bo? And she hadn't even said anything about love? That was all Bo... but she was right, Lauren had fallen in love with her. She should have pretended that it was no big deal, just a 'casual, don't worry' kind of thing. But Bo was... so... _much_? She shook her head at her own inability to find words to describe her. Not even with Nadia had she felt like this... And Bo had left. Of course she had.  
It was so much easier to keep things physical. Just sex and both parties knew what to expect. But Bo didn't want that... or not only that. Apparently she didn't want love either.

It was cold. She pulled her shirt closed and folded her arms in front of her body.

If she'd just shut up tonight, Bo would still be here. But for how long? And she knew it was just a matter of time. It was better to... be alone. Yes. How long could a human being stay optimistic? How many times? What was the point? Every time... every fucking time... this happened.

She closed her eyes when they started to hurt.

If she'd just fought for that grant, she would have gone to Congo with the expedition and she would be dead now... It would be so much easier... but if she had been the kind of person to fight for the grant, she wouldn't have been here, tonight, wishing to be dead... If she had been that person... she would have punched that infuriating bully from school right in his greasy little mouth.

The anger welled up in her for a moment, a red, hot, burning in her chest, warming her.

If she'd been that person she would have kicked the teeth in on him and his nasty little cronies. She breathed hard through her nose, trying to calm down. She wanted to smash something. Being furious like this wasn't healthy... But she wasn't that person; she was weak and... worthless. And therefore she was here, tonight... wishing she was dead. Everything was her own fault. So, there was no point in thinking about it. She could only blame herself and she knew nothing would ever change.

""""""""""""""

For once she hadn't had too much to drink, and she sat in her car for a while before she drove home, it was a good place to think.

Now she had guilt tripped Lauren into telling her that she loved her. That was absolutely not what she had wanted. She could not ignore something like that. Even with her very limited knowledge about and zero experience with relationships and interaction beyond the sex, she knew _that_. Lauren had put it out there and she had to respond. And leaving _was_ a response... just not the one she wanted to give. Why did feelings have to be this hard...? Sex was the easy part; the rest was just so damned hard.

""""""""""""""""


End file.
